Ho-ism is in the eye of the beholder

I recently came across an article where Lala Vasquez had been put in a uncomfortable position. She appeared on the Breakfast Club or something like that and in the show they have a segment where fans call in to ask the guest celebrity advice on a dilemma they might be having. So, this young lady called in and told Lala that she had a somewhat "loose" friend and people were beginning to call her a ho which wasn't cool because she didn't want her friend's behaviour to reflect on her; birds of a feather type thing and asked Lala how SHE handles the situation being friends with Kim Kardashian. Awkward, right? Lala defended her friend saying Kim wasn't a ho because a ho is a home wrecker and Kim wasn't a home wrecker, she was just young and single and could open her legs to whomever she wanted.

Lala defending her BFF

So I got to thinking... does Lala have a point? If you think about it, the term "ho" was invented by men to be used against us. Before you conclude that I'm trying to encourage women to open their legs to any Tom, Dick (no pun intended) and Harry, I'm just pointing out the fact that we are living in a double standard world where contrary to what Beyonce says, we really don't rule the world. If a guy sleeps with 50 girls, he's a G, hell women prefer to be with a guy that's been with plenty women because he has more experience but a guy will not go near a girl who has slept with 50 guys. See The Numbers Game.

So, what is a hoe? When I asked a few people I got different replies but the most common was someone who had little to no respect for herself, morals and slept with plenty of men. Does the number of people you've slept with determine whether you're a ho or not too? How about if you happen to be gullible and fall for every sweet guy who tells you they don't know where you've been all their life because as much as they are dumb men are very smart and are able to sniff out desperation out of a woman.

Scenario 1: If a virgin was in the club dancing like she was having sex and somewhere in there the guy slipped his hand into her panties and started playing. See figure 1. Is she a ho? She has never slept with anyone but she's allowing this guy who she doesn't even know his name to go all up in her in a club with a hundred people around.

Scenario 2: Girl sleeps with guy on the first date
Is this ho-ish? I know a few couples who had sex on the first date and are still together years down the line. This is cool, good for them but my question remains what if you do that with every man you go on a date with but doesn't end up being your boyfriend. How many men do you have to go through on the first date until it becomes official? Women often say it's not all the time that they'd sleep with someone on the first date but sometimes it just feels right and the fire will be burning. Alright.

Scenario 3: Girl has many "serious" short term relationships because many guys have led her to believe that they wanted a serious relationship out of her and turns they only wanted one thing. Hopeless romantic who is just naive, is she a hoe?

Scenario 4: Girl meets guy, she likes him, she sleeps with him. Why not?
She's grown, he's grown (maybe) and double standards were invented by men. A woman should have the right to her sexuality just as much as a man does.

Scenario 5: Girl meets a married guy becomes his mistress
According to Lala, this is her definition of a hoe; a home wrecker. Someone who intentionally has an affair with a man who she knows is attached to someone. What if he lied to her and said he wasn't in a relationship or married and then later down the line she found out but she was in too deep and couldn't let go because technically he had been her man. Whether there was another woman on the side or not, for months that's all she knew and she thought she was the only one. Can we call her a ho then?

I'm torn, for years I had my own definition of what I considered a ho to be and I was set but after talking to people and seeing things, doing things I have started questioning what I actually consider a ho and I don't know. I have concluded that a ho is man-made word for men to explore their sexuality and keep women under their control. Even though we can now vote, work, some careers have even gotten rid of the glass ceiling we are still living in a man's world and we as women have that mentality that if a girl does this or that she's a ho. But like I said it's all depending on the individuals and it is in the eye of the beholder.

Happy Humping to those who hump!!!

Another Cougar Post (by guest blogger)

I know some of you must be thinking that I'm now obsessed with cougar/cub relationships. I'm not. A guest blogger, who asked to remain anonymous sent me this post. I was in hysterics and I was happy that I wasn't the only one that felt sceptical about dating a younger man. This post was based on real events which explains why the blogger asked to remain private and I was present when this all happened, we were all young and in college hence the curfew. Did I just spoil it? She should have known better! Enjoy!

(Cougar, Cougar, Cougar)

So I got to thinking, ‘why do women become cougars?’ I mean this type of situation presents quite a few problems without even trying. For instance the lies that come up are quite laughable I must say. Can you imagine relaxing with friends and having a few drinks as people do, then as you get comfortable and the time gets later you begin to sense some kind of discomfort from your partner. He gets up, keeps glancing at his watch and tries to make an excuse because he now has to leave. Now because of embarrassment he’s not going to fully come out and say he has a curfew. Excuses like, ‘I have to go shopping for my mother tomorrow morning so I have to sleep early.’ Or my all-time favourite, ‘I have to get home early because my mother hates locking up without me. WHAT!!! C’mon, are you kidding me? I understand that at this time we were all young, we all had curfew (somewhat) and had to be home at a certain time but it was 7 o'clock and he didn't live that far from me which means his curfew must have been either 7.30 or 8.

So, there you are standing in front of your friends who so desperately want to laugh, as he leaves your house.  OMG I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. However, this young boy was sweet because the next time he went out bowling he bought me earrings. It was cute. They were these small "gold and diamond" studs that were in a small blue box. They looked a bit cheap but hey, it was the thought that counts right? How do you live down a situation where he buys you jewellery for £4.99 from Argos as a means to court you. Ok I’m not going to be mean. After all that’s probably as far as he could stretch his EMA money. I guess if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship all this can be avoided and you can have your fling during the day under wraps and no one has to know.

The plus side of dating a younger man is that they make you feel equally as young as they are. The idea of being older gives you a false sense of experience and power. And as an added bonus, they are much more adventurous compared to guys your own age, maybe because there is a need to constantly please in an effort to prove their man hood and ability to satisfy an older woman.

But be warned, the good things are few and far between. Make sure you don’t get caught in a situation where he brings his own bottled drink into a restaurant you are supposedly having dinner, all because he budgeted on a quarter chicken and chips with no bottomless drink. LOL. Please don’t let me put you off, just always make sure you have a little extra so you can get a bottomless drink, assuming that option is there. Then he’ll know to wait for you  to finish drinking so he can have one too.

Hate to tell ya... But you're the side chick

Sometimes I sit down and I try to figure out what exactly goes on in the minds of these simple men we love to hate. (I am currently in rehab therefore I am omitting myself from using the n-word, m-word, s-word, b-word, a-word and I'm still contemplating on the f-word. I realised that cursing is rude and I'm such a f-ing lady.) I am yet to meet a woman who is looking to be the side chick, mistress well apart from those waste girls on Real Mistresses of ATL, yes it's a show and it's coming to a site near you. Well, I guess there's a difference between women whose life ambition is to live off married men, good for y'all. Refer to my "Reasons Why Men Cheat" to see what I think of you.



I'm not going to go into the logistics of why you were made the side chick or what did you do wrong for him to confuse you from being wifey material to a jump off when you were rubbing on his tings at dinner on your first date. I'm not going to go into that, that's for another day. I'm sure I am not the only woman out there who gets really offended at the realisation that the Trigga Trey lookalike who you were thinking of introducing to your mum, dad and aunties at the next family reunion has already been introduced! Shoot, he didn't have an early start when you invited him over for a booty call, he has curfew and has to be home by a certain time or else his baby mama will have his balls for breakfast. You're his spicy rice, creamy mash, you're just a side.

1. A woman's intuition is her number one weapon. If you have a feeling that things ain't right they probably aren't.
If you have a feeling, an inkling an itch that you might just not be the main chick then you're probably right, he's probably already spoken for and you're just being the awkward odd girl out.

2. Holidays are out of the question
Christmas, his birthday, Valentine's Day, New Years celebration he is AWOL. As much as you would have loved to spend his birthday with him, his main chick had already booked him for that day and well, she comes first. So he will make time for you the day before, the day after and maybe the afternoon if the Mrs. hasn't got all day plans. If it is a surprise that she has planned for him, expect last minute cancellations because he has to do something with his mum.
For Valentine's Day your man is going to make a couple of excuses. Either he doesn't believe in Valentine's Day because its so commercial and just a way to get people to spend money or you are breaking up a few weeks or even days before then making up after.

3. He never takes you anywhere
Have you noticed that you never do 'couply' things? You never go out to eat, cinema, bowling all that boring stuff that couples do and when you do it is way out of ends. He will take you to an area that is way out of both your way because he might know someone there that will give him a good deal but coincidentally when you get there his 'friend' is not picking up his phone or isn't working that day. He cannot be seen by anyone he knows with you so he will try to keep you happy by taking you out like you asked but as a compromise it has to be on the outskirts of London where no one knows him. If you always find yourself confined in the four walls of his or your room and when you do go to his house he has to sneak you in because he doesn't want his mum to see you, it might just be time to take a long walk and don't look back. If he's serious about you why can he not introduce you to his mother? You're both grown. I smell fish. Leave. Perhaps you found yourself a real man who has his own apartment, car and the whole shebang it doesn't mean he wouldn't want a little piece on the side
and so he spends quality time with you in his place, no where else.

4. The receptionist at Premier Inn and Travelodge knows your name
Did you ever wonder why he never takes you to his house but always to a hotel. He might say something along the lines of "I don't usually bring girls to my house until I'm ready to introduce them to my mum." You have both spent an arm and a leg on cheap hotel rooms just for you to spend quality time with him and after all that he still won't take out back to his house. Girl, wake up. Hotels are nice on holidays, believe me I'm a hotel junkie but if that's where you seem to be meeting up all the time you need to get your Columbo on and start investigating!

5. You only meet up after hours
How come you never go out when the sun is shining? Not that we get much sun over here but you know what I mean. How come he is always busy during the weekend **coughs wifey coughs** and only seems to have time for you during the week after work? Or when you do see him on the weekend its usually during booty call hours when he calls you to come over or maybe he wants to stop by for a night cap. In his defence he is a busy guy, I mean with work, gym, tanning and laundry he has no choice but to see you in the evening babes. *blank stare*

6. Lastminute.com
He should have shares in lastminute.com the way he makes and breaks his plans with you. When you make plans to see each other and do special things that lovers do he always seems to cancel at the very last minute because something would have come up that he has to do! Yeah, his main chick. She probably did a last minute thing herself and told him she was on her way or they were going somewhere, you know girlfriend stuff that you probably do for him only that no one knows about you... awkward. Also, he is the most spontaneous man on earth. He can just call you at any time and tell you that he's coming to pick you up and then call you five minutes later saying he can't come. Hmmm.

7. You gets no love on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram
You follow him, he follows you, you're his "friend" and all that nonsense but you get no ratingson social networking sites. Why? Because he doesn't want his business out like that, he's a very private personal and does not want everyone to knowing his private life. All of a sudden you cannot see or write on his wall. With this new function they have on Facebook that you can limit what individuals view on your profile he probably went to "werk" when he added you restricting all the pictures of him and his girl without actually deleting them from his profile because that will cause problems on home ground. Mark Zuckerberg is one sneaky man (almost used the m-word there!) He probably has "married" as his relationship status and everyone but you can see it.

I know there is more but as usual I get wound up when writing about these things, I don't want to go all 'Bane' like the guy in Colorado who thought it was a good idea to kill people enjoying the new Batman movie. SMH, what is the world coming to? He probably has a side chick himself!   

Go Dutch? We Ain't In The Netherlands!

"Going Dutch" is a term that indicates that each person participating in a group activity pays for himself, rather than any one person paying for anyone else, particularly in a restaurant bill.

Miss Tammy: Damn girl, I can't wait for payday
Saz: But didn't you just go on a date on Saturday?
Miss Tammy: Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
Saz: What if his card got declined?
Miss Tammy: Then I'd have sent out a broadcast for money transfer asap.
Saz: And if noone had money?
Miss Tammy: I go die o!

This is an extract from a recent BBM conversation that I had with Saz, I am very 21st century and I believe in going dutch. I also have a rule that I never leave my house to go on a date if I can't afford it but there is an exception to every rule since this date was not the first date and who am I to pass up a good date because the balance in my bank account is not speaking the language that I'd like to hear? I should say though on this occassion I did not do the whole "reach-for-your-purse-in-hopes-that-he-would-say-he's-going-pay move" because what if he decided that we should indeed go dutch? What would I do then? Tell him the truth that I was just being polite and actually had no intention of paying because my card will probably get chopped up if I gave it to the waiter because the balance is well below zero?

But let's think about the situation that Saz had talked about. What if his card had got declined and he looked at me to bail him out, what could I have done then? Honestly, I'd have started laughing and in the words of Cilla I'd have said "I can't help you!" and made my way home. Standard. I'm cool like that.

For many women going dutch is a dangerous zone, I am yet to meet a woman who is willing to go out on a second date with a guy who would have made her pay. And they say it's not about money, what is it about then? If a guy asked you to go dutch on the first date, is it a done deal? I have noticed that paying for a date is the one act of chivalry that women have refused to let go of. They will open their own doors, drive around town with their man in the passenger seat but will not accept going dutch. Why? Does it prove that he's not cheap or that he's not a douche bag? A fool can still wine and dine you and he can also ask you to come out of the pocket. I don't know, I tend to bump heads with men and women when this topic comes up over birthday dinners and random get togethers. I almost got stoned to death at Saz's birthday when I expressed that I didn't mind going on a first date with a guy and he used vouchers. I don't. As long as he gives me a heads up prior to the date then it's cool otherwise he'll just look like a cheapo who's trying to get one over on me. If a guy stepped up to me and says that he's got vouchers for Pizza Express, I don't mind! Judge me if you like, whatever because at the end of the day if he's stingy with his cash whether he pays full price on that first date or not you are going to feel the burn further down the line. Be real with me, show me that you care about your money and I will send you the link to vouchercodes.co.uk or even sign you up for groupon so you can get more than 50% off deals. *kanye shrug*

Tell Me If He's Cheating So I Can Fark Him Up!

Baby! It's not what it looks like!

If you found out that your friend's partner was cheating on them would you tell them?

I asked a few of my friends what they'd do if they found my man cheating. A few said they'd tell me, some wouldn't and others would tell him to tell me. If I was cheating and my man's friend caught me and told me to tell Bob that I was cheating, how would that conversation go?

"Hey babe. You know John. He's not my cousin y'kno"
"What d'you mean he's not your cousin?"
"Well, we're kinda getting it in. I'm sowwy."

Call me crazy but I'd prefer it if he approached me and asked me if I'm cheating on him to which I will deny it unless he has visual evidence to show me otherwise its deny, deny, deny. Anyway, this is not about me.

"I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!"

If you are my friend and you're reading this right now, I'd like to tell you that if I catch your man cheating I am going to video record him and take pictures. Then I will arrange a Starbucks lunch (because I love their chicken and tomato panini) and tell you about his triflin' ass. When you do confront him about it, feel free to drop my name in there or better yet I will be there with you swinging my baseball bat in case he tries anything funny saying "that's right, I saw you motherf*cker. I saw you!"

One of my friends that said she wouldn't tell me said it was because she knew I'd go crazy. Yes. Yes, I will. I will be sitting there in Starbucks arms folded, biting my cheek and shaking my left leg under the table thinking "where is that fool? Let me go and get that nucca!"
But I do understand where she's coming from, I might go cray and get done for murder but there are also some women who prefer to stay ignorant if their man's cheating and if my friend told me that she preferred not to know if her man's cheating then I'd respect that and not say anything if I caught him cheating on her. There are certain situations, like marriage, you got kids, you don't believe in divorce etc where you know you're not going to leave your partner so if they are creeping you'd rather not know because it's only going to cause heartache for you. Fair enough.

I personally do not think that cheating is the end of a relationship (like I wrote in Monogamy the myth.) People make mistakes and move on. If you were my friend and withheld that information from me I'd be very hurt because maybe he was going through some things that made him cheat and the discovery of his infidelity would allow us to address those issues and move on, possibly make our relationship better or stronger. When I do find out, I will not bust his windows because his windows might be my windows but there will definitely be some furniture movement in the house and I will beat him til the white meat then we can talk about why the hell he did it.

If we break up, we break up and if we stay together and work it out then that's my prerogative. You might be sitting across the table from us thinking that I stayed with a fool but at least I'll know he's a fool and dammit he'll be my fool! The last thing I'd want is for someone to know that my man is cheating on me and I don't. Tell me, let me deal with it. I promise I won't kill him and if I do I will plead temporary insanity.


Disclaimer: I do not condone violence, in fact I can't even fight. I just have a big mouth!

Don't Just Engage Me, Marry Me!

I love those little moments when people call, text or bbm me telling that their man has just popped the question. I love it! I also love hearing about wedding plans, bridesmaids, cakes, venues to a certain extent. Don't go on about it, I got things to do instead of listening to you rumble on about your wedding.

BUT what really gets me going is when you get engaged with no plans for a wedding? What are we doing getting engaged for two years? If a man asks me to marry him, he better believe that I'm going to start googling Vera Wang dresses and finding out which horrid dresses I'm going to put my lovely girlfriends in. Don't ask me to marry you if you don't want to get married right now. I had a man, lovely guy, a bit too light skinned but lovely nonetheless. He decided that it was a good idea to ask me to marry him and it was. So he does his thing and asks me to marry him and I asked him if he was asking me to marry him because he was ready to get married. He said he wasn't ready but he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. So you want to hook me nucca? That's the male equivalence of pregnancy. They don't want you to leave so they hook you by dangling marriage in front of us.

The next thing you know you wake up one morning five years later wondering how you're still Miss and not Mrs Jones. You were the first one of your friends to get engaged but they've made their walk down the aisle and you're still waiting for the money to be right. Maybe I'm wrong, I dont know but since I'm not pro-marriage when I bend my beliefs a little bit to marry you cannot tell me that it's going to be a long engagement. No, you go down on one knee and I say yes; you best believe that I'm going to start planning our wedding that same night! Google never sleeps!

*drops mic*



No, really. He's A Baby!

I love him just like I raised him
When he call me Mama
Lil Mama I call him Baby - Nicki Minaj, Moment for life

I have always been fascinated by cougar relationships. I sit there asking questions about what it’s like to do it with a younger man, kind of like the questions you ask when you hear that your friend did it with a white guy: “What does it look like? Is it really pink?”

I have plenty of friends who date younger men, from a year to seven years and the thought is like a foreign subject to me, I just don’t get it. The funniest thing about my ignorance, yes I am aware that I’m ignorant when it comes to this subject, is that so many relationships that my friends are in are with younger men and they are fine. They never complain about the age gap and it never seems like an issue. I think the problem with me is that at the tender age of 25 the younger guys I will be meeting are 24 and below which is in my opinion young. If I was say, 30 and dated someone who is 25-27 that will be different because by that time they would have matured a bit more, played the field and MAYBE be on the same level as I will. I can imagine dating someone who’s say two years younger than me and telling them some kind of predicament I would be in just to make conversation because to be honest I do not trust the advice of a 23 year old even though when I was 23 I thought I was pretty smart. Any little thing I can see myself saying “oh what do you know, you’re only a child.”

A while ago, one of my friends set me up with her “friend” the quotes are necessary because she thought he was 26 when he was really 20! They are not real friends! So we start talking, we vibing, you know that whole thing. He asks for my bbm pin, I give it to him, he’s calling, he’s texting, he’s falling, lemme explain. So one day I was telling one of my girlfriends about him and she asked me how old he was and I drew a blank. I had no idea so I quickly picked up my phone and sent him a bbm and boy, did he avoid the question until he said 20. Eh? How old now? Dude wasn’t even 21! He couldn’t even drink in America! I decided not to let that throw me because we were getting on quite well and didn't act like a 20 year old despite numerous insults from my friends asking me if he was going to take me out with his EMA money, if he had curfew or all the other insults I suffered.

He finally asked me out to dinner and not only was it my first date with someone four years my junior; it was also my first ever blind date. This was going to be interesting. We met up at an underground station and headed to a restaurant nearby. He ordered pineapple juice, I ordered orange juice. We ordered our food, ate my steak and tried as hard as I could to forget his age. After a while he finished his drink and naturally I expected him to beckon the waitress for another drink but this young brother went in to his “man bag,” pulled out an orange Tropicana and poured it into his glass ever so nonchalantly *bbm shocked face* and to make matters worse he made me pay half!

My friend was right; we should have gone to Pizza Hut!

Can You Really Be Friends With Your Ex?

A lot of people call me cynical but I think I'm a realist. I hear some people saying they friends with their ex. Now, I'm not talking about that person you linked once or twice or Tyrone that you flung a few years ago. They don't count as exes and you can become friends with them because the foundation was not deep. They don't know you like that. I'm referring to exes that you were together for two or more years but things didn't work out so now they're friends. You done met each others families, been to family reunions together and even talked marriage and kids, now you're "friends". We don't believe you, you need more people! I find it very hard to believe that me and my ex can be good friends. I'm not buying it. You can be civil, yes but friends? As in if you were to mention who your friends are you'd count them? I can't see it. You both might start off with good intentions of actually being friends, you're catching up, laughing and joking and one day it only takes one day when one of you is gonna say "remember that time...?"

"Yes, I remember that time! We ended up buck nekkid and fooling around, that was a good time *sigh*"

"So, uh, you think we'll ever do that again? I'm not saying I want to, I'm just asking"

*Tekken voice* Game. Over.

Immediately you've jumped from being "friends" to "reminiscers" (I know its not a word, I just made up.) At some point someone is going to catch feelings because once again you have the relationship without the stress and the booty (if you're getting some ass from your ex, you're not friends) but somewhere down the line you're going to get hurt, don't say I didn't warn you!

Maybe I am cynical or maybe I just don't have the time to be entertaining my past so I don't even give them the time of day or consideration in such foolishness, I have enough friends and we broke up for a reason, keep walking my friend.

The Numbers Game

First things first, we're now on Twitter! Yay! I know it was about time so follow us @avgoodblog to keep up to date with all my relationship cynicism and the random things I go through every now and then.

Ok back to the topic at hand, I'm a firm believer in telling the truth as much as possible but there's only one situation when the truth won't set you free and that's when your man asks you how many people you've slept with. Its always two isn't it? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. How many women actually tell the truth though? I'm referring to the non-virgins. What I've always found strange is why men ask. Why? Why do you want to know? Because whatever number I say is going to be too much for you.

I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and asked if she'd slept with the new guy she was dating (they're now official, yay!) and she said she hadn't, she wanted to see where this was going before she went ahead and opened her legs and at the end of that sentence she said "besides, i gotta think about my numbers! Now, this friend of mine has the lowest number ever! Use your imagination if you're really that nosey but even at such a minute number we have been programmed to keep our numbers as long as possible which is why we end up lying. Yes, I said it. We lie. Right to your face! They say that you're supposed to divide by three for men and multiply by three for women. Multiplying by three, really? Makes it a lot, doesn't it? And to be honest I don't think that men have a reason to lie any more about their numbers because sugar walls are so easy to get these days.

Us, women have been put under so much pressure on our numbers. Shoot, a lot of us have to recycle mushroom tips just so that you don't up your number. You know one of them times when you're feeling a bit frisky and you want to do it with this new guy, you really do but you can't because when you look at that little list you have, c'mon I'm not the only one! You look at that list and you know you're not ready to add another name to it so what do you do? You call Tyrone. You can't stand Tyrone but hell, it beats adding a number.

I need to clarify something right now for the masses, the number is a sensitive subject. No, we don't count Bob from Aya Napa, he doesn't count. We only count domestic tips and if it didn't go all the way in or if he was small we don't count that either. If he's in a different city it might be debatable too, different area code and all that. We definitely don't count one night stands or one hit wonders. If we hooked up five plus years ago, unfortunately you've been wiped out of memory. Only meaningful relationships, the ones that you called boyfriend for a bit longer than 3 months. Mistakes have already been erased from memory so they don't even come into the equation.

In an ideal world we'd all love to have slept with our prince charming. One man, is all we would have loved but somewhere down the line that man turned into a real mushroom tip and had to let go. So did the next one and a few more after that. Things don't always work out the way you want them to and it is so unfair to call SOME women hoes because of her number under the stress that we do because of how many men would have stuck their mushroom tips in our sugar walls. If I were a virgin I swear I'd have a 100 t-shirts made saying "Virgin and Proud" and wear them everyday. That'll be my thang.

So You're The Main Chick But Your Man Has A Mistress and Some Hoes...

I guess she wasn't shooting with him in the gym

Just the other night one of my girlfriends asked me what I would do if I had been with a guy for seven plus years and through out that period he had cheated on me several times but now it was becoming less frequent. First of all, we wouldn't get to the 'but' of this situation. How did we get to the seven year mark with him cheating on me? That's what I want to know! Was I in a coma, incarcerated or abducted by aliens? Because I find it hard to understand how I can lose count of how many girls MY man has been with since we've been together. If we're swinging or have an open relationship then I can understand but my jealous trait will not allow that to happen.

So I got to thinking; what does a man really have to possess for me to stick around for seven years of cheating?

i) He gives brain like he graduated from a good school

ii) He did juju on me, now my love is "blind"

iii) He has talents that give porn stars a run for their money

iv) He has deep pockets

v) He is a monster with words

vi) He's fine as hell

vii) You have kids together

And as I write this on the Northern line half eavesdropping, half concentrating I cannot find the sense in the reasons above. Is the pain worth it? Are you that naïve, insecure, in love that you cannot see that even though this man "claims" he loves you he is taking you for a fool? Yes, he is. He does not care or respect you because he is willing to watch you hurt. Does the pain go after seven years? Do you welcome him back with open arms and taste the girl he's just been with? He is ok with seeing you cry yourself to sleep. He thinks you'll get used it, over it or perhaps arrange a nicki minaje. You know you don't like it, stop fronting. You know he's not gonna change. You have allowed him for seven years to cheat on you and now you think he's tired because its less frequent? Go 'head boo, do you!

Bottom line, there's no better pussy than new pussy and you allowing him to go and do his "manly" thing is setting yourself up for an big fall. My friend advised me that some people might have hopes for the ring but my question still remains, what's the point? I guess I am a little biased because I am not a big fan of marriage so the ring is not a big deal to me but even if I was, why would I want to get married to someone who is going to be leading a single life? If I were to get married my husband would have to understand that he's eating these Jacob's crackers for life! Forget about Ritz and having variety to spice up your life. It is called monogamy for a reason.

Maybe I'm the naïve one and I don't know about the ting. Maybe with time I will become a little more compromising with cheating when I decide to lie to myself that all men cheat. They cheat because we allow them to. Nothing more, nothing less.

The video below is a must watch by @sulibreaks #hesnot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJzBtL2SKZg&feature=youtube_gdata_player



The Numbers Game

First things first, we're now on Twitter! Yay! I know it was about time so follow us @avgoodblog to keep up to date with all my relationship cynicism and the random things I go through every now and then. Why not eh? Also, read all my posts over at www.blogstop.co.uk every Wednesday.

Ok back to the topic at hand, I'm a firm believer in telling the truth as much as possible but there's only one situation when the truth won't set you free and that's when your man asks you how many people you've slept with. Its always two isn't it? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. How many women actually tell the truth though? I'm referring to the non-virgins. What I've always found strange is why men ask. Why? Why do you want to know? Because whatever number I say is going to be too much for you.

I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and asked if she'd slept with the new guy she was dating (they're now official, yay!) and she said she hadn't, she wanted to see where this was going before she went ahead and opened her legs and at the end of that sentence she said "besides, i gotta think about my numbers! Now, this friend of mine has the lowest number ever! Use your imagination if you're really that nosey but even at such a minute number we have been programmed to keep our numbers as long as possible which is why we end up lying. Yes, I said it. We lie. Right to your face! They say that you're supposed to divide by three for men and multiply by three for women. Multiplying by three, really? Makes it a lot, doesn't it? And to be honest I don't think that men have a reason to lie any more about their numbers because sugar walls are so easy to get these days.

Us, women have been put under so much pressure on our numbers. Shoot, a lot of us have to recycle mushroom tips just so that you don't up your number. You know one of them times when you're feeling a bit frisky and you want to do it with this new guy, you really do but you can't because when you look at that little list you have, c'mon I'm not the only one! You look at that list and you know you're not ready to add another name to it so what do you do? You call Tyrone. You can't stand Tyrone but hell, it beats adding a number.

I need to clarify something right now for the masses, the number is a sensitive subject. No, we don't count Bob from Aya Napa, he doesn't count. We only count domestic tips and if it didn't go all the way in or if he was small we don't count that either. If he's in a different city it might be debatable too, different area code and all that. We definitely don't count one night stands or one hit wonders. If we hooked up five plus years ago, unfortunately you've been wiped out of memory. Only meaningful relationships, the ones that you called boyfriend for a bit longer than 3 months. Mistakes have already been erased from memory so they don't even come into the equation.

In an ideal world we'd all love to have slept with our prince charming. One man, is all we would have loved but somewhere down the line that man turned into a real mushroom tip and had to let go. So did the next one and a few more after that. Things don't always work out the way you want them to and it is so unfair to call SOME women hoes because of her numberunder the stress that we do because of how many men would have stuck their mushroom tips in our sugar walls. If I were a virgin I swear I'd have a 100 t-shirts made saying "Virgin and Proud" and wear them everyday. That'll be my thang.

Club Antics

see note 1, booty is maximus!!!

I got inspired to write this post after going out for one of my friend's birthday. I'm not a "raver" so when I do go out I am in awe of what goes on in the mean streets of London. I'm so sheltered, I live such a normal life and stood out like a sore thumb amongst the fashion that has taken over people's sanity. The outrageous clothes and cheap imitations of some of the most useless celebrities around made me question if I was missing out by not shaving my hair and dying it blonde or weaving my hair into Kim Kardashian curls. I wasn't even wearing a dress and people were looking at me like I had gone against clubbing etiquette by not being half naked.

Question though, don't women feel the cold when they are standing in the queue to get in? I have seen women wearing extremely short dresses and not have a coat on, I have to give credit where credit is due because the shoe game is always on point but poor things always look like wounded dogs shivering in the cold.
So if the women are never cold, why the guys never hot. I have seen guys with three piece suits on, jumpers and hoodies (wasteman.) Sometimes I will be boiling in my "modest" clothes and there will be guys dancing their socks off but they are not sweating. Howdotheydothat? Ama-zing!


1. "Booty booty booty rockin' everywhere"

As soon as I walked in this song automatically started playing in my head. Is it me or have asses gotten bigger and the dresses shorter? Everywhere I looked was booty. Girls dressed in dresses just past their bum crease and then they started playing "Rack City" now these girls were shaking their asses in my face, I didn't know where to look so I look there. So uncomfortable and some what blinding.

2. Every one has a theme song

Remember that scene in that movie where the guy is walking and there is a whole band of people playing music behind him? His soundtrack to his life. I forget the movie but your imagination can help you here. Everyone in that place walked around like it was racks on racks on racks. They probably didn't have £20 in their wallet but if you asked them they were ballin'!!!

3. DJs love YMCMB

Did I spell it right? What the hell does that even stand for? Anyway, for about 30 minutes of my time there all I heard was Young Money Cash Money and "The Bawse." Is that what's hot in the clubs right now? Could Drake please decide if he wants to be an emotional rapper or "gangsta," the quotes are extremely necessary because when I watched "they know, they know, they know" video (I'm well aware that that's not the name but I'm not going to waste my time googling Drake) I could not stop laughing. What do they know Drake? Really? They know about Marvin's Room? Take Care? Gtfoh! But people seemed to be enjoying this crap. I just don't get it. Also, what is up with Meek Milli's voice? Am I the only one that finds his voice extremely high pitched and annoying, sounding like a damn coyote, shut up!


4. I act "bougie"

Funny thing is I'm not. I am well aware that I look like one of those girls "that think they're too nice" even though I am but I genuinely cannot dance to a song I do not like. My body just doesn't move and when the DJ starts playing YMBCMB (whatever) I just cannot move to that so I stand there with a drink in my hand thinking "wtf" although Rack City and The Motto are tunes! I can get down to that. Also if they play a song like "Teach me how to dougie" one cannot be seen doing any other dance apart from the dougie and any poor attempt will make you look like a fool, so I sway or two step and act like I'm bougie but I'm not.

5. I still don't know how to do the Dougie

There is only one moment in the four hours that I am in a club that I dread. When they play "Teach me how to Dougie." It's a constant reminder of that one dance I have failed to do. I can do the Cat Daddy, Tootsie Roll, hell I can even do Azonto but the Dougie? Man, that dance has failed me. I once spent one afternoon on the 30th of December 2011 trying to learn how to do the Dougie because I didn't want to go into the new year without knowing how to do the Dougie but alas! It is 2012 and I still can't do the freaking Dougie! When I watch the numerous youtube videos 'teaching me how to dougie' it's so easy yet so hard! Even Justin Beiber can do the dougie but I can't seem to do it. Why? *cries*

6. Electric slide

The Best Man paved the way for the electric slide. See from 8.15

There was once a joke made that the Electric Slide is the only dance that brings black people together. You could be in the middle of a fight and once you hear that intro, you have to pause for a minute and get ready to move to the right. You always go to the right first in case you didn't know, then left, back, dip dip then kick and turn. As a rule no matter how much my feet hurt since this song is usually played towards the end of the night I have to get up and do it, seems like everyone has that rule too. I was shocked to see the whole club moving in unison and there's always that one person that has no idea how to do the dance but they still insist on dancing in the middle messing it up for everyone and stepping on your feet which are hurting already just because they want to be involved. I even saw big hench guys in tight t-shirts and hood men rocking hoodies and sneakers (why are you wearing that in a club though?!) doing the electric slide. Go hard or go home!

So you've decided to sleep over...

There are a lot of unspoken trials and tribulations that a woman goes through the first time she decides to sleep at a man's house. It's not as simple as grabbing an overnight bag with cute jim jams, whipped cream and handcuffs. Oh no, a sleep over is a decision you need to sit down with your girlfriends in Nando's and discuss if you are ready for that next step in your relationship. There are a few things one has to consider and decide if they are ready to take that step.

1. The head scarf

A lot of black men have been brought up in households where their mums, sisters or aunts walk around in a head scarf on a daily basis so they are pretty much used to seeing a woman in a headscarf. You'd think that this would make it easier, oh no. You have to think about how you're going to wrap your hair; are you going to do it in an attractive and fashionable way but still make sure that all the hair is covered or do you just wear it the same way you would when you are at home. If you decide on not wearing a head scarf you have to make sure your gentleman friend has silk pillow cases because there's nothing worse than cotton when you've just had your hair did. For someone like me who has short hair, if I sleep without a head scarf I wake up with my hair looking like Jedward and it will not go down unless I wrap it.

2. No make up look

If you've been seeing a guy and he's constantly seen you with make up on, it creates a picture. My skin ain't that flawless, my eye lashes are not that long and my weave does not blend that well without straighteners! Hell, I got a few spots here and there that MAC has covered up for me. Basically, I do not look like how I looked at 3pm when you met me; mix that up with the headscarf then oh boy!
You don't want him to go to sleep with Pamela Anderson and wake up next to something on the left, I'm not even sure who that is to be honest. I don't know if there's much difference in how I look with make up and when I'm bare faced so if I have stay at a guy's house for the first time that moment when you're about to go to bed is a thinker. Do you take the make up off or just scare him in the morning when your face is on his pillow case and your hair is looking like Goku from Dragonball Z?

3. Morning breath

Is there anything on this earth that smells worse than morning breath? So before agreeing to spend the night you go through a few things and one of them is contemplating whether you let him smell your morning breath or wake up early, brush your teeth and jump back into bed or perhaps keep a tic tac underneath your pillow so that you can pop it into your mouth before he wakes up. I usually choose him smelling my morning breath because I do not sacrifice my sleep for anyone and besides morning breath is natural, hell if he's gonna breathe that in my face why can't I breathe in his?

4. Snoring

What if you snore? Ever thought about that? You usually sleep alone, how do you know if you snore or not? I tend to sleep talk the first time I sleep in a foreign bed. Whether its my friend, aunt, hotel, man; I will sleep talk if its the first time. Guaranteed. So, here we are. In his bed; the first time we're spending the night together and I start saying random shit. He's gonna think I'm crazy or have some kind of demon that comes alive at night. This only happens on the first night by the way and I do always give a disclaimer.

I had to say something regarding this matter because sleeping over for the first time is one of the least spoken about dilemmas that we go through but the good thing about it is that once you have slept over, there's nothing left to worry about. You'll be putting your mask on, greasing your head and taking out your weave while he watches football on a Sunday afternoon.

He's just not THAT into you

Happy new year everyone! Hope you have all made attainable new years resolutions and hopefully one of them is to know when to let a guy go when he's not into you because certain baggage really should not be dragged into the new year. It needs to stay there, in 2011. So if you're in doubt and are confused about if he is THAT into you; fear not, I'm here to break it all down for you.

So, I have a couple of single girlfriends who go on dates every now and then and after a few dates or even before the first date they're usually very curious and anxious to know if the guy likes them. Sometimes the signs are as clear as day when he likes you, it's when he's not that into you that you get those mixed signals which are so confusing that you just want to pick up the phone and ask "dude, do you like me or not?" But obviously its easier said than done so we resort to checking our phones every two minutes, watching your Blackberry to see if that red light is blinking. You look at your phone for about 30 seconds without blinking just in case you miss it when you know that red light blinks every 5 seconds but you still unlock your phone to check if there's a message in case you missed it one minute ago when you last checked. As women and girlfriends sometimes we lie to our friends to spare their feelings by making excuses for the guy: "he's busy with work", "he's doesn't want to seem too eager", "his dog probably ate his phone", "he probably fell down the stairs, bumped his head, broke his jaw and has a wire in his mouth and his fingers broke from when he tried to break his fall so he can't call or text you." It's a very confusing time for women. So here we go ladies, bookmark this page.

1. He's not calling

There is no such thing as a guy being too busy to call, having no minutes or credit. When a guy likes you, he will find a way to call you. He will ask his friends, use his work/house phone, use the phone box (they still make those?) or even ask a stranger in the street. I don't know, I just know that I will not accept such boohockey like that. If he's really that down on his luck he will ask you to call him because he really wants to talk to you that much. If he likes you he will call. Period.

2. He's not asking you out

If he likes you why doesn't he want to see you again? If a guy likes you, he will be sure to schedule another date with you soon because he'd want to get to know you better and be in your company so if he's not asking you out and there isn't a good reason why, he probably doesn't want to see you again.

3. You always initiate contact

Do you always find yourself calling or texting him first? When you scroll through your text history it's always you saying "morning babe, hope you slept well. Have a lovely day" and your reply is a few days late or even no reply at all? You always ask him if he wants to meet up with you. You always call him to say "hey stranger, just calling to see if you're still alive." Oh, he's alive alright. He's just not THAT into you enough to pick up the phone and call or text you.

4. He's always busy

There's no such thing as he's busy. I hate to break it to you girl but it's a lie. A man will never be too busy if he really wants to see you. He will drive by your house after work for 10 minutes just to say hi. He will call you when he's on his way home, in the toilet, when he's having lunch, whatever but there is no such thing as he is busy. If he is really THAT into you he will make enough effort to stop you wondering if he likes you. Once you hear that, tell him to hit the road jack because he's feeding you lies.

5. He's not acknowledging your efforts

I have a friend who is quite possibly going to kill me for writing this story but it is just too funny, I have to share. Hold on, there are two stories from two friends I am going to share with you. Keep in mind that I am putting my friendship at risk here by sharing this you.
Friend one bought a sexy bow for the man in her life at that time. It was his birthday and she wanted to do a sexy surprise for him so she took a picture of herself in the bow, sexy pose you know the finger in the mouth, booty tooch and all that and nothing! She sent this sexy picture to him and he didnt even reply. So she called T-Mobile asking what was wrong with her picture messaging service to which they confirmed that everything was fine and her last message had been delivered successfully. So the obvious thing will be to ask the receipient if he received the picture to which he replied that he had. *Crickets*

Friend two, this story gets me going everytime I end up in stiches whenever I hear it or tell it. So my dear friend  was so smitten with this guy that she decided to surprise him by turning up to his house butt naked. On her way to his house while she sat on bus 54 (bus number has been changed to protect said friend's identity) he called her. They made idle conversation and he told her that he was on his way out to see some of his friends, well at this point she had no choice but to ruin the surprise and tell him what she was doing and this son of a gun told her to go back home. Really? She was sitting on the bus butt naked on her way to see him and he is going to choose seeing his boys over a butt naked woman. He's either gay or does not like you booboo.

6. You're the last priority

So you want to do something but he tells you that he'll let you know. Does he have plans? No, he's waiting to see if something comes up but if it doesn't you'll be the first to know. You have a date planned this weekend but he cancels last minute because he has to go out with his friends *blank stare*

7. He only hits you up on Facebook or twitter

I know this guy, lovely fella so I'm not going to cuss him but I am going to call him out for the foolishness he did. This guy had my number, email, MSN, home address, youcatchmydrift but he felt that it was OK for him to only talk to me on Facebook. I didn't mind because he was cool so when I was online and he was online we spoke, you know, it was cool until he asked me out. Eh? I'm not talking about asking me out on a date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. On Facebook. Yes. My question was if we were going to be having some sort of Facebook relationship that I can't 'poke' any other dudes on Facebook because you know "he was my boyfriend." No excuses because this guy was a very out going sociable guy who did not lack confidence, we had actually been out on a few dates before so no. Stupid excuses, unacceptable really. If you have my number why are you not calling or texting me? Hell, there's whatsapp you're not hitting me up on there either.

8. He's not making any effort

The thing about men that my daddy told me on one uncomfortable drive on the M1 to Leicester from Middlesbrough, I remember it like it was yesterday; it was that uncomfortable. My daddy thought it was a good idea to talk to me about men... Daddy, come on! But I sat in silence and listened. He told me that men are conquerors. That's what they do, by nature they live to conquer. He didn't specify however what it was exactly men wanted to conquer but I think we all know. So, if a guy hasn't conquered yet or has indeed conquered already and he's still not making any effort, chances are that he does not want to conquer. He is not interested to the point that he feels the need to make any effort.

9. Out of sight, out of mind

I once dated this guy who I was really crazy about. Let's call him Bob. I dated Bob initially for about 3 months and was totally smitten. When I was with him he treated me like the only girl in the world, no Rihanna. I looked forward to seeing him every weekend. I travelled every Friday from London to Leicester where he stayed to go and see him. Bob however had one minor fault. He didn't like me. Did I know this? No. I was too infatuated with his perfect body and perfect five year plan that I didn't even notice that when I was not with him, he did not do anything to acknowledge my existence. When I called him, he didn't pick up. When I texted he texted me back two days later. I finally decided to break up with him since he just wasn't showing any interest in me when I wasn't with him, I sent him a break up text (don't judge me) he didn't even text me back! Need I say more?