No one ever wants to be the bad guy that breaks someone’s heart apart from me. I don’t mind. I will tell you to your face that it’s you not me! I’m lying; I’d rather avoid you like the plague or act like an ass until you ask me what’s wrong. So if you are like me and you want the other person to break up with you and you don’t mind leaving as the douchebag then you need to read this.
If there was ever a better way to break up your relationship this is a sure way to do it. This works quicker than any other method tried and tested. Lie about what, you ask. Anything.
“Babe where were you last night?”
“At Bob’s house.”
“But Bob is in Marbella…”
“I was house sitting his fish.”
Lie about any damn thing and when you get caught out on your lies, lie some more. You have to stand your ground. Lie so much that your lies start to become ridiculous and you begin to look pathetic. No better excuse to leave someone when you cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouth.
This one is a tricky one because if you cheat and act remorseful you might actually get forgiven which then means you’re gonna stay in your relationship which we don’t want but if you cheat and also do number 1 then you will be on your way out. To get a 99% success rate in getting out of your relationship with your method you have to put them in a position where they are forced to leave you even if they didn’t want to. Pay close attention. If you are going to cheat make sure you are obvious about it because you want to get caught. Have an empty condom wrapper in your jeans, leave the room when your phone rings, have someone tag you in a picture with them in a compromising situation on a social networking site. When they ask you about it they are secretly hoping for you to lie but what do you do? You tell the truth. Don’t even say sorry. Just say yes *Kanye shrug* go back to playing GTA V. Other method to this will be to cheat with as many people as you can, the more the better and when you get caught say it wasn’t you. See, you’re a liar and a cheat. Perfect!
If you find that cheating and lying are not really your things, maybe because you don’t want to come out of the relationship being labelled a douche bag or asshole; try this one for size. Take tips from Angela in Why did I get married? Question each and every single they make. Make sure all your calls are answered; texts are replied immediately and when they aren’t demand an answer as to why. Who were they with? Are they cheating on you? You saw how that guy/girl was looking at them. They are sleeping with them aren’t they? Then smash a few things, tears and screaming wouldn’t hurt either. No matter what they tell you; you will not believe them and make sure they know you don’t believe them!
Criticise them. Every little thing they do, tell them they aren’t shit.
When they cough,“Why you gotta cough like that?”
“Why you gotta chew with your mouth open?”
“Why you gotta make me cum so hard?”
There’s really no pleasing some people. The problem with this one though is that instead of breaking up your relationship you might actually make them want you more. It’s a mind fuck. The more you put them down the more they will want acceptance from you so they will try harder. Kinda like treat them mean to keep them keen but this only works for people with Kanye syndrome (people who think they’re the shit) so tread carefully.
This is for the guys. Women love men. Well, some women love men. Other women lovewomen. It’s the world that we’re living in but if you have a heterosexual woman and you don’t want to be with her anymore then act like Drake. Be that Drake sort of dude. Be emotional, cry during an NSPCC or RSPCA advert. Let her wear the trousers. Let her make all the decisions, let her speak for you. Be so weak and docile that if a fight was to breakout let her fight your battles for you while you scream “baby, no!” after that fight she’s going to look at you with sadness and disappointment in her eyes, shake her head and it’ll be game over. You officially succeeded in not being man enough for her. You didn’t really want her anyway!
Do you. Just act like they don’t exist. You don’t do this on purpose of course, you just forget about them. When they call you, talk to them. When they text you text back, you just never initiate communication because you forget about them as soon as they leave.Out of sight out of mind. Do you ask them how their day was? No, because you don’t care. Whatever they do don’t act interested, they’ll get the idea soon. Hopefully. When they start rambling on close your eyes, tilt your head back and make snoring noises. They bore the fuck out of you! Once in a while during their monologue; smile at them and say “you still talking?” That’ll shut them up and they probably won’t want to tell you anything after that which works well for you because you were not interested in the first place!
I agree with this statement, my girls come first before any hoe. Assuming that hoes in this case is a man with no substance to me. If it’s my man though, my boo-ski, the one kidsrefer to these days as “him” my girls understand that he comes first because he will be doing some thangs that they ain’t. Things like cuddles and paying for my Brazilian hair (I kid) unless of course I’m getting ready to give him his P45 then my girls will be put before him. So if you’re thinking of getting rid of your beau make sure that you put your friendsfirst. If he wants to make plans with you tell him that you need to check with your girls first and you’ll let him know. Cancel last minute because your girls want to go to AfrobeatsSunday. This works both ways, guys too. Put your friends before her.
Tip: when having a debate/discussion make sure you say “well my friends say” or “my friends think” this is guaranteed to piss anyone off!
There really are some messed up individuals in this world aren’t they? Since when did money have the same effect on humans as love? If you want to be lying in bed alone during cuffing season with your “hun’eds” keeping you warm; put it first. They say you never lose women chasing money, well that’s a lie. Women like attention and when you start paying more attention to work, your hustle and we are left feeling neglected we are going to bounce. Get me wrong; chase that paper, get that money but you need to learn to balanceand prioritise. There is money making time and there’s spousal quality time. You can’t come home after a long day at work and go on your Blackberry or laptop to work some more, stop for a minute and smell the roses. If you over prioritise one over the other one is going to suffer. Balance is key but hey, why do you care you trying to get rid of your spouse anyway right?
Don’t be about shit! You just sit there and scratch your balls all day while your spouse goes out and works their ass off. Would one really go to the extent of doing this just to break a happy home? Only subconsciously, I hope. The only thing worse than someone with no ambition is a lazy dreamer. I wish is your favourite song by R.Kelly because all you do is say you wish, you have big dreams but you still do nothing about it. You are not making any steps towards that big goal you have in your head because you are just lazy. You lie in bed while they wake up at 6 am to go to work and when they come back you’re still in the same position they left you in watching Basketball Wives or playing COD eating all the food in the house. Then you have the cheek to ask them for money so you can go out with your friends! Good job!
Begin every sentence with “well my ex used to…” do you know what you’re going to get? “Well go and be with your ex then!” it really is that simple. Technically you are not doing anything wrong because your ex really used to do it this way and because we are trying to piss this person off so much the last thing they want to hear is about your ex so you’re onyour way to getting rid of them! Throw some comparisons in there, some praises too of your ex of course. This one will work brilliantly with number 4.
See, it’s not that hard to get rid of someone is it? Just follow my tips and you will be on your way to being the world’s biggest douchebag but at least you will be home free! All by yourself, just how you like it. If you want to know what NOT to do to break your happy home then use this guide as things not to do. I hope that works better because I don’t want to think that I contributed to creating assholes and breaking hearts!!!
