Club Antics

see note 1, booty is maximus!!!

I got inspired to write this post after going out for one of my friend's birthday. I'm not a "raver" so when I do go out I am in awe of what goes on in the mean streets of London. I'm so sheltered, I live such a normal life and stood out like a sore thumb amongst the fashion that has taken over people's sanity. The outrageous clothes and cheap imitations of some of the most useless celebrities around made me question if I was missing out by not shaving my hair and dying it blonde or weaving my hair into Kim Kardashian curls. I wasn't even wearing a dress and people were looking at me like I had gone against clubbing etiquette by not being half naked.

Question though, don't women feel the cold when they are standing in the queue to get in? I have seen women wearing extremely short dresses and not have a coat on, I have to give credit where credit is due because the shoe game is always on point but poor things always look like wounded dogs shivering in the cold.
So if the women are never cold, why the guys never hot. I have seen guys with three piece suits on, jumpers and hoodies (wasteman.) Sometimes I will be boiling in my "modest" clothes and there will be guys dancing their socks off but they are not sweating. Howdotheydothat? Ama-zing!


1. "Booty booty booty rockin' everywhere"

As soon as I walked in this song automatically started playing in my head. Is it me or have asses gotten bigger and the dresses shorter? Everywhere I looked was booty. Girls dressed in dresses just past their bum crease and then they started playing "Rack City" now these girls were shaking their asses in my face, I didn't know where to look so I look there. So uncomfortable and some what blinding.

2. Every one has a theme song

Remember that scene in that movie where the guy is walking and there is a whole band of people playing music behind him? His soundtrack to his life. I forget the movie but your imagination can help you here. Everyone in that place walked around like it was racks on racks on racks. They probably didn't have £20 in their wallet but if you asked them they were ballin'!!!

3. DJs love YMCMB

Did I spell it right? What the hell does that even stand for? Anyway, for about 30 minutes of my time there all I heard was Young Money Cash Money and "The Bawse." Is that what's hot in the clubs right now? Could Drake please decide if he wants to be an emotional rapper or "gangsta," the quotes are extremely necessary because when I watched "they know, they know, they know" video (I'm well aware that that's not the name but I'm not going to waste my time googling Drake) I could not stop laughing. What do they know Drake? Really? They know about Marvin's Room? Take Care? Gtfoh! But people seemed to be enjoying this crap. I just don't get it. Also, what is up with Meek Milli's voice? Am I the only one that finds his voice extremely high pitched and annoying, sounding like a damn coyote, shut up!


4. I act "bougie"

Funny thing is I'm not. I am well aware that I look like one of those girls "that think they're too nice" even though I am but I genuinely cannot dance to a song I do not like. My body just doesn't move and when the DJ starts playing YMBCMB (whatever) I just cannot move to that so I stand there with a drink in my hand thinking "wtf" although Rack City and The Motto are tunes! I can get down to that. Also if they play a song like "Teach me how to dougie" one cannot be seen doing any other dance apart from the dougie and any poor attempt will make you look like a fool, so I sway or two step and act like I'm bougie but I'm not.

5. I still don't know how to do the Dougie

There is only one moment in the four hours that I am in a club that I dread. When they play "Teach me how to Dougie." It's a constant reminder of that one dance I have failed to do. I can do the Cat Daddy, Tootsie Roll, hell I can even do Azonto but the Dougie? Man, that dance has failed me. I once spent one afternoon on the 30th of December 2011 trying to learn how to do the Dougie because I didn't want to go into the new year without knowing how to do the Dougie but alas! It is 2012 and I still can't do the freaking Dougie! When I watch the numerous youtube videos 'teaching me how to dougie' it's so easy yet so hard! Even Justin Beiber can do the dougie but I can't seem to do it. Why? *cries*

6. Electric slide

The Best Man paved the way for the electric slide. See from 8.15

There was once a joke made that the Electric Slide is the only dance that brings black people together. You could be in the middle of a fight and once you hear that intro, you have to pause for a minute and get ready to move to the right. You always go to the right first in case you didn't know, then left, back, dip dip then kick and turn. As a rule no matter how much my feet hurt since this song is usually played towards the end of the night I have to get up and do it, seems like everyone has that rule too. I was shocked to see the whole club moving in unison and there's always that one person that has no idea how to do the dance but they still insist on dancing in the middle messing it up for everyone and stepping on your feet which are hurting already just because they want to be involved. I even saw big hench guys in tight t-shirts and hood men rocking hoodies and sneakers (why are you wearing that in a club though?!) doing the electric slide. Go hard or go home!