The Numbers Game

First things first, we're now on Twitter! Yay! I know it was about time so follow us @avgoodblog to keep up to date with all my relationship cynicism and the random things I go through every now and then. Why not eh? Also, read all my posts over at www.blogstop.co.uk every Wednesday.

Ok back to the topic at hand, I'm a firm believer in telling the truth as much as possible but there's only one situation when the truth won't set you free and that's when your man asks you how many people you've slept with. Its always two isn't it? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. How many women actually tell the truth though? I'm referring to the non-virgins. What I've always found strange is why men ask. Why? Why do you want to know? Because whatever number I say is going to be too much for you.

I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and asked if she'd slept with the new guy she was dating (they're now official, yay!) and she said she hadn't, she wanted to see where this was going before she went ahead and opened her legs and at the end of that sentence she said "besides, i gotta think about my numbers! Now, this friend of mine has the lowest number ever! Use your imagination if you're really that nosey but even at such a minute number we have been programmed to keep our numbers as long as possible which is why we end up lying. Yes, I said it. We lie. Right to your face! They say that you're supposed to divide by three for men and multiply by three for women. Multiplying by three, really? Makes it a lot, doesn't it? And to be honest I don't think that men have a reason to lie any more about their numbers because sugar walls are so easy to get these days.

Us, women have been put under so much pressure on our numbers. Shoot, a lot of us have to recycle mushroom tips just so that you don't up your number. You know one of them times when you're feeling a bit frisky and you want to do it with this new guy, you really do but you can't because when you look at that little list you have, c'mon I'm not the only one! You look at that list and you know you're not ready to add another name to it so what do you do? You call Tyrone. You can't stand Tyrone but hell, it beats adding a number.

I need to clarify something right now for the masses, the number is a sensitive subject. No, we don't count Bob from Aya Napa, he doesn't count. We only count domestic tips and if it didn't go all the way in or if he was small we don't count that either. If he's in a different city it might be debatable too, different area code and all that. We definitely don't count one night stands or one hit wonders. If we hooked up five plus years ago, unfortunately you've been wiped out of memory. Only meaningful relationships, the ones that you called boyfriend for a bit longer than 3 months. Mistakes have already been erased from memory so they don't even come into the equation.

In an ideal world we'd all love to have slept with our prince charming. One man, is all we would have loved but somewhere down the line that man turned into a real mushroom tip and had to let go. So did the next one and a few more after that. Things don't always work out the way you want them to and it is so unfair to call SOME women hoes because of her numberunder the stress that we do because of how many men would have stuck their mushroom tips in our sugar walls. If I were a virgin I swear I'd have a 100 t-shirts made saying "Virgin and Proud" and wear them everyday. That'll be my thang.

Club Antics

see note 1, booty is maximus!!!

I got inspired to write this post after going out for one of my friend's birthday. I'm not a "raver" so when I do go out I am in awe of what goes on in the mean streets of London. I'm so sheltered, I live such a normal life and stood out like a sore thumb amongst the fashion that has taken over people's sanity. The outrageous clothes and cheap imitations of some of the most useless celebrities around made me question if I was missing out by not shaving my hair and dying it blonde or weaving my hair into Kim Kardashian curls. I wasn't even wearing a dress and people were looking at me like I had gone against clubbing etiquette by not being half naked.

Question though, don't women feel the cold when they are standing in the queue to get in? I have seen women wearing extremely short dresses and not have a coat on, I have to give credit where credit is due because the shoe game is always on point but poor things always look like wounded dogs shivering in the cold.
So if the women are never cold, why the guys never hot. I have seen guys with three piece suits on, jumpers and hoodies (wasteman.) Sometimes I will be boiling in my "modest" clothes and there will be guys dancing their socks off but they are not sweating. Howdotheydothat? Ama-zing!


1. "Booty booty booty rockin' everywhere"

As soon as I walked in this song automatically started playing in my head. Is it me or have asses gotten bigger and the dresses shorter? Everywhere I looked was booty. Girls dressed in dresses just past their bum crease and then they started playing "Rack City" now these girls were shaking their asses in my face, I didn't know where to look so I look there. So uncomfortable and some what blinding.

2. Every one has a theme song

Remember that scene in that movie where the guy is walking and there is a whole band of people playing music behind him? His soundtrack to his life. I forget the movie but your imagination can help you here. Everyone in that place walked around like it was racks on racks on racks. They probably didn't have £20 in their wallet but if you asked them they were ballin'!!!

3. DJs love YMCMB

Did I spell it right? What the hell does that even stand for? Anyway, for about 30 minutes of my time there all I heard was Young Money Cash Money and "The Bawse." Is that what's hot in the clubs right now? Could Drake please decide if he wants to be an emotional rapper or "gangsta," the quotes are extremely necessary because when I watched "they know, they know, they know" video (I'm well aware that that's not the name but I'm not going to waste my time googling Drake) I could not stop laughing. What do they know Drake? Really? They know about Marvin's Room? Take Care? Gtfoh! But people seemed to be enjoying this crap. I just don't get it. Also, what is up with Meek Milli's voice? Am I the only one that finds his voice extremely high pitched and annoying, sounding like a damn coyote, shut up!


4. I act "bougie"

Funny thing is I'm not. I am well aware that I look like one of those girls "that think they're too nice" even though I am but I genuinely cannot dance to a song I do not like. My body just doesn't move and when the DJ starts playing YMBCMB (whatever) I just cannot move to that so I stand there with a drink in my hand thinking "wtf" although Rack City and The Motto are tunes! I can get down to that. Also if they play a song like "Teach me how to dougie" one cannot be seen doing any other dance apart from the dougie and any poor attempt will make you look like a fool, so I sway or two step and act like I'm bougie but I'm not.

5. I still don't know how to do the Dougie

There is only one moment in the four hours that I am in a club that I dread. When they play "Teach me how to Dougie." It's a constant reminder of that one dance I have failed to do. I can do the Cat Daddy, Tootsie Roll, hell I can even do Azonto but the Dougie? Man, that dance has failed me. I once spent one afternoon on the 30th of December 2011 trying to learn how to do the Dougie because I didn't want to go into the new year without knowing how to do the Dougie but alas! It is 2012 and I still can't do the freaking Dougie! When I watch the numerous youtube videos 'teaching me how to dougie' it's so easy yet so hard! Even Justin Beiber can do the dougie but I can't seem to do it. Why? *cries*

6. Electric slide

The Best Man paved the way for the electric slide. See from 8.15

There was once a joke made that the Electric Slide is the only dance that brings black people together. You could be in the middle of a fight and once you hear that intro, you have to pause for a minute and get ready to move to the right. You always go to the right first in case you didn't know, then left, back, dip dip then kick and turn. As a rule no matter how much my feet hurt since this song is usually played towards the end of the night I have to get up and do it, seems like everyone has that rule too. I was shocked to see the whole club moving in unison and there's always that one person that has no idea how to do the dance but they still insist on dancing in the middle messing it up for everyone and stepping on your feet which are hurting already just because they want to be involved. I even saw big hench guys in tight t-shirts and hood men rocking hoodies and sneakers (why are you wearing that in a club though?!) doing the electric slide. Go hard or go home!

So you've decided to sleep over...

There are a lot of unspoken trials and tribulations that a woman goes through the first time she decides to sleep at a man's house. It's not as simple as grabbing an overnight bag with cute jim jams, whipped cream and handcuffs. Oh no, a sleep over is a decision you need to sit down with your girlfriends in Nando's and discuss if you are ready for that next step in your relationship. There are a few things one has to consider and decide if they are ready to take that step.

1. The head scarf

A lot of black men have been brought up in households where their mums, sisters or aunts walk around in a head scarf on a daily basis so they are pretty much used to seeing a woman in a headscarf. You'd think that this would make it easier, oh no. You have to think about how you're going to wrap your hair; are you going to do it in an attractive and fashionable way but still make sure that all the hair is covered or do you just wear it the same way you would when you are at home. If you decide on not wearing a head scarf you have to make sure your gentleman friend has silk pillow cases because there's nothing worse than cotton when you've just had your hair did. For someone like me who has short hair, if I sleep without a head scarf I wake up with my hair looking like Jedward and it will not go down unless I wrap it.

2. No make up look

If you've been seeing a guy and he's constantly seen you with make up on, it creates a picture. My skin ain't that flawless, my eye lashes are not that long and my weave does not blend that well without straighteners! Hell, I got a few spots here and there that MAC has covered up for me. Basically, I do not look like how I looked at 3pm when you met me; mix that up with the headscarf then oh boy!
You don't want him to go to sleep with Pamela Anderson and wake up next to something on the left, I'm not even sure who that is to be honest. I don't know if there's much difference in how I look with make up and when I'm bare faced so if I have stay at a guy's house for the first time that moment when you're about to go to bed is a thinker. Do you take the make up off or just scare him in the morning when your face is on his pillow case and your hair is looking like Goku from Dragonball Z?

3. Morning breath

Is there anything on this earth that smells worse than morning breath? So before agreeing to spend the night you go through a few things and one of them is contemplating whether you let him smell your morning breath or wake up early, brush your teeth and jump back into bed or perhaps keep a tic tac underneath your pillow so that you can pop it into your mouth before he wakes up. I usually choose him smelling my morning breath because I do not sacrifice my sleep for anyone and besides morning breath is natural, hell if he's gonna breathe that in my face why can't I breathe in his?

4. Snoring

What if you snore? Ever thought about that? You usually sleep alone, how do you know if you snore or not? I tend to sleep talk the first time I sleep in a foreign bed. Whether its my friend, aunt, hotel, man; I will sleep talk if its the first time. Guaranteed. So, here we are. In his bed; the first time we're spending the night together and I start saying random shit. He's gonna think I'm crazy or have some kind of demon that comes alive at night. This only happens on the first night by the way and I do always give a disclaimer.

I had to say something regarding this matter because sleeping over for the first time is one of the least spoken about dilemmas that we go through but the good thing about it is that once you have slept over, there's nothing left to worry about. You'll be putting your mask on, greasing your head and taking out your weave while he watches football on a Sunday afternoon.

He's just not THAT into you

Happy new year everyone! Hope you have all made attainable new years resolutions and hopefully one of them is to know when to let a guy go when he's not into you because certain baggage really should not be dragged into the new year. It needs to stay there, in 2011. So if you're in doubt and are confused about if he is THAT into you; fear not, I'm here to break it all down for you.

So, I have a couple of single girlfriends who go on dates every now and then and after a few dates or even before the first date they're usually very curious and anxious to know if the guy likes them. Sometimes the signs are as clear as day when he likes you, it's when he's not that into you that you get those mixed signals which are so confusing that you just want to pick up the phone and ask "dude, do you like me or not?" But obviously its easier said than done so we resort to checking our phones every two minutes, watching your Blackberry to see if that red light is blinking. You look at your phone for about 30 seconds without blinking just in case you miss it when you know that red light blinks every 5 seconds but you still unlock your phone to check if there's a message in case you missed it one minute ago when you last checked. As women and girlfriends sometimes we lie to our friends to spare their feelings by making excuses for the guy: "he's busy with work", "he's doesn't want to seem too eager", "his dog probably ate his phone", "he probably fell down the stairs, bumped his head, broke his jaw and has a wire in his mouth and his fingers broke from when he tried to break his fall so he can't call or text you." It's a very confusing time for women. So here we go ladies, bookmark this page.

1. He's not calling

There is no such thing as a guy being too busy to call, having no minutes or credit. When a guy likes you, he will find a way to call you. He will ask his friends, use his work/house phone, use the phone box (they still make those?) or even ask a stranger in the street. I don't know, I just know that I will not accept such boohockey like that. If he's really that down on his luck he will ask you to call him because he really wants to talk to you that much. If he likes you he will call. Period.

2. He's not asking you out

If he likes you why doesn't he want to see you again? If a guy likes you, he will be sure to schedule another date with you soon because he'd want to get to know you better and be in your company so if he's not asking you out and there isn't a good reason why, he probably doesn't want to see you again.

3. You always initiate contact

Do you always find yourself calling or texting him first? When you scroll through your text history it's always you saying "morning babe, hope you slept well. Have a lovely day" and your reply is a few days late or even no reply at all? You always ask him if he wants to meet up with you. You always call him to say "hey stranger, just calling to see if you're still alive." Oh, he's alive alright. He's just not THAT into you enough to pick up the phone and call or text you.

4. He's always busy

There's no such thing as he's busy. I hate to break it to you girl but it's a lie. A man will never be too busy if he really wants to see you. He will drive by your house after work for 10 minutes just to say hi. He will call you when he's on his way home, in the toilet, when he's having lunch, whatever but there is no such thing as he is busy. If he is really THAT into you he will make enough effort to stop you wondering if he likes you. Once you hear that, tell him to hit the road jack because he's feeding you lies.

5. He's not acknowledging your efforts

I have a friend who is quite possibly going to kill me for writing this story but it is just too funny, I have to share. Hold on, there are two stories from two friends I am going to share with you. Keep in mind that I am putting my friendship at risk here by sharing this you.
Friend one bought a sexy bow for the man in her life at that time. It was his birthday and she wanted to do a sexy surprise for him so she took a picture of herself in the bow, sexy pose you know the finger in the mouth, booty tooch and all that and nothing! She sent this sexy picture to him and he didnt even reply. So she called T-Mobile asking what was wrong with her picture messaging service to which they confirmed that everything was fine and her last message had been delivered successfully. So the obvious thing will be to ask the receipient if he received the picture to which he replied that he had. *Crickets*

Friend two, this story gets me going everytime I end up in stiches whenever I hear it or tell it. So my dear friend  was so smitten with this guy that she decided to surprise him by turning up to his house butt naked. On her way to his house while she sat on bus 54 (bus number has been changed to protect said friend's identity) he called her. They made idle conversation and he told her that he was on his way out to see some of his friends, well at this point she had no choice but to ruin the surprise and tell him what she was doing and this son of a gun told her to go back home. Really? She was sitting on the bus butt naked on her way to see him and he is going to choose seeing his boys over a butt naked woman. He's either gay or does not like you booboo.

6. You're the last priority

So you want to do something but he tells you that he'll let you know. Does he have plans? No, he's waiting to see if something comes up but if it doesn't you'll be the first to know. You have a date planned this weekend but he cancels last minute because he has to go out with his friends *blank stare*

7. He only hits you up on Facebook or twitter

I know this guy, lovely fella so I'm not going to cuss him but I am going to call him out for the foolishness he did. This guy had my number, email, MSN, home address, youcatchmydrift but he felt that it was OK for him to only talk to me on Facebook. I didn't mind because he was cool so when I was online and he was online we spoke, you know, it was cool until he asked me out. Eh? I'm not talking about asking me out on a date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. On Facebook. Yes. My question was if we were going to be having some sort of Facebook relationship that I can't 'poke' any other dudes on Facebook because you know "he was my boyfriend." No excuses because this guy was a very out going sociable guy who did not lack confidence, we had actually been out on a few dates before so no. Stupid excuses, unacceptable really. If you have my number why are you not calling or texting me? Hell, there's whatsapp you're not hitting me up on there either.

8. He's not making any effort

The thing about men that my daddy told me on one uncomfortable drive on the M1 to Leicester from Middlesbrough, I remember it like it was yesterday; it was that uncomfortable. My daddy thought it was a good idea to talk to me about men... Daddy, come on! But I sat in silence and listened. He told me that men are conquerors. That's what they do, by nature they live to conquer. He didn't specify however what it was exactly men wanted to conquer but I think we all know. So, if a guy hasn't conquered yet or has indeed conquered already and he's still not making any effort, chances are that he does not want to conquer. He is not interested to the point that he feels the need to make any effort.

9. Out of sight, out of mind

I once dated this guy who I was really crazy about. Let's call him Bob. I dated Bob initially for about 3 months and was totally smitten. When I was with him he treated me like the only girl in the world, no Rihanna. I looked forward to seeing him every weekend. I travelled every Friday from London to Leicester where he stayed to go and see him. Bob however had one minor fault. He didn't like me. Did I know this? No. I was too infatuated with his perfect body and perfect five year plan that I didn't even notice that when I was not with him, he did not do anything to acknowledge my existence. When I called him, he didn't pick up. When I texted he texted me back two days later. I finally decided to break up with him since he just wasn't showing any interest in me when I wasn't with him, I sent him a break up text (don't judge me) he didn't even text me back! Need I say more?

Monogamy The Myth

The idea of writing this post came to me after one of my best friends confessed to me that she had cheated on her long term boyfriend because they were going through some problems. She is not the first or last I wasn't surprised because frankly nothing really surprises me. In truth I really did not want to blog about this because my thoughts and rationalisations do not par with an average human being's therefore I'm considered weird; I also feared getting stoned to death every time I walked down the street or worse get hate mail but after witnessing a lot of people cheating behind their spouses' back it made me question this thing called monogamy so before you start gathering your sticks and stones please hear me out.

First of all, let me make something clear I'm a woman and I love monogamy. I love that whole union of two people loving each other and sharing spaghetti and meatballs, holding hands whilst taking long walks in the park and going through the good and bad times together but lets face it one of the bad times that you might have to go through is dealing with your partner cheating. This is not limited to women because as much as men cheat, women cheat too. Many relationships have ended because someone has cheated, some people forgive and some people don't but at the end of the day someone might cheat. "They" say that in every marriage someone has cheated or someone will cheat, which led me to think that maybe monogamy is just a myth and it actually does not exist. I'm not a cynic but a realist and if the stats of cheating are that high then why do we keep pushing monogamy, don't get me wrong I will bust someones windows if they cheated on me.

 "Science" says that women are naturally monogamous, however men are not. I say BS! Monogamy is a choice that men and women make. You can't tell me that just because you are a man you are not able to be faithful. We don't believe you, you need more people! In my opinion monogamy is a societal requirement because if it was natural for human beings to be monogamous then why do so many people cheat? Why is that in 7 out of 10 relationships that I have witnessed someone has cheated or has been cheated on? Why is it that each and everyone that is going to read this post would have been cheated on or have cheated? So the scientists say that it is natural for men to be promiscuous, I can bet that scientist was a man who wanted a poor excuse to cheat on his wife. I know a lot of women who have cheated or have contemplated cheating for various reasons because someones decision to cheat differs from one individual to the next.

As human beings if we are not content or satisfied with a particular area in our lives we try and change it and when it comes to relationships our eyes start to wonder. Morally and out of respect for your significant other you might not cheat but the thought will cross your mind. Some people choose to remain monogamous for different reasons and that is commendable because in remaining faithful you are saving someone from a lot 808 and heartbreak. Let's face it, if you are in a monogamous relationship and you have not cheated and do not intend on cheating on your significant other it's because you don't want to. It's got nothing to do with it not being in you, you might think that it's not in you because of your values and the way you were raised but ultimately it is your choice. If I have everything I want in a relationship and I am content I will not cheat, I choose not to because I do not need to. There is no point in risking losing someone for a cheap thrill but that's only because I will be choosing to remain monogamous.

A wise man once said that one of the reasons why a man might remain faithful to his wife is if what he has to lose is greater than the booty he's about to receive or if his beliefs go against being unfaithful. I'm not going to discuss the reasons why men cheat in this article because that's not what this post is about, its about all of us. I am not condoning cheating because I do not agree with the act, all I am saying is if you find yourself in a situation where you have been cheated on try and analyse the situation to see if it's worth forgiving and working things out because it might really just be a mistake or a moment of weakness. For those like myself who find it a bit challenging to forgive someone who would have cheated on me because every time I see them, I'll get a picture. You know the picture I'm talking about. That picture when you imagine them and the other person... yes, that picture. I honestly believe that when you get this picture it's involuntary because no one wants to see that! The problem with me is that I get a full length movie in my head, not a picture so I never have a choice but to let things go. If you also find yourself in a situation where you are tempted to cheat think about the heartbreak you might cause the other person and hopefully that might change your mind. As much as I believe that monogamy is a choice it's one of the greatest choices one can make because when you really love someone you do not want to see them hurt or if you are dating someone crazy they might just go Jazmine Sullivan on you.