A lot of people call me cynical but I think I'm a realist. I hear some people saying they friends with their ex. Now, I'm not talking about that person you linked once or twice or Tyrone that you flung a few years ago. They don't count as exes and you can become friends with them because the foundation was not deep. They don't know you like that. I'm referring to exes that you were together for two or more years but things didn't work out so now they're friends. You done met each others families, been to family reunions together and even talked marriage and kids, now you're "friends". We don't believe you, you need more people! I find it very hard to believe that me and my ex can be good friends. I'm not buying it. You can be civil, yes but friends? As in if you were to mention who your friends are you'd count them? I can't see it. You both might start off with good intentions of actually being friends, you're catching up, laughing and joking and one day it only takes one day when one of you is gonna say "remember that time...?"
"Yes, I remember that time! We ended up buck nekkid and fooling around, that was a good time *sigh*"
"So, uh, you think we'll ever do that again? I'm not saying I want to, I'm just asking"
*Tekken voice* Game. Over.
Immediately you've jumped from being "friends" to "reminiscers" (I know its not a word, I just made up.) At some point someone is going to catch feelings because once again you have the relationship without the stress and the booty (if you're getting some ass from your ex, you're not friends) but somewhere down the line you're going to get hurt, don't say I didn't warn you!
Maybe I am cynical or maybe I just don't have the time to be entertaining my past so I don't even give them the time of day or consideration in such foolishness, I have enough friends and we broke up for a reason, keep walking my friend.
First things first, we're now on Twitter! Yay! I know it was about time so follow us @avgoodblog to keep up to date with all my relationship cynicism and the random things I go through every now and then.
Ok back to the topic at hand, I'm a firm believer in telling the truth as much as possible but there's only one situation when the truth won't set you free and that's when your man asks you how many people you've slept with. Its always two isn't it? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. How many women actually tell the truth though? I'm referring to the non-virgins. What I've always found strange is why men ask. Why? Why do you want to know? Because whatever number I say is going to be too much for you.
I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and asked if she'd slept with the new guy she was dating (they're now official, yay!) and she said she hadn't, she wanted to see where this was going before she went ahead and opened her legs and at the end of that sentence she said "besides, i gotta think about my numbers! Now, this friend of mine has the lowest number ever! Use your imagination if you're really that nosey but even at such a minute number we have been programmed to keep our numbers as long as possible which is why we end up lying. Yes, I said it. We lie. Right to your face! They say that you're supposed to divide by three for men and multiply by three for women. Multiplying by three, really? Makes it a lot, doesn't it? And to be honest I don't think that men have a reason to lie any more about their numbers because sugar walls are so easy to get these days.
Us, women have been put under so much pressure on our numbers. Shoot, a lot of us have to recycle mushroom tips just so that you don't up your number. You know one of them times when you're feeling a bit frisky and you want to do it with this new guy, you really do but you can't because when you look at that little list you have, c'mon I'm not the only one! You look at that list and you know you're not ready to add another name to it so what do you do? You call Tyrone. You can't stand Tyrone but hell, it beats adding a number.
I need to clarify something right now for the masses, the number is a sensitive subject. No, we don't count Bob from Aya Napa, he doesn't count. We only count domestic tips and if it didn't go all the way in or if he was small we don't count that either. If he's in a different city it might be debatable too, different area code and all that. We definitely don't count one night stands or one hit wonders. If we hooked up five plus years ago, unfortunately you've been wiped out of memory. Only meaningful relationships, the ones that you called boyfriend for a bit longer than 3 months. Mistakes have already been erased from memory so they don't even come into the equation.
In an ideal world we'd all love to have slept with our prince charming. One man, is all we would have loved but somewhere down the line that man turned into a real mushroom tip and had to let go. So did the next one and a few more after that. Things don't always work out the way you want them to and it is so unfair to call SOME women hoes because of her number under the stress that we do because of how many men would have stuck their mushroom tips in our sugar walls. If I were a virgin I swear I'd have a 100 t-shirts made saying "Virgin and Proud" and wear them everyday. That'll be my thang.
Just the other night one of my girlfriends asked me what I would do if I had been with a guy for seven plus years and through out that period he had cheated on me several times but now it was becoming less frequent. First of all, we wouldn't get to the 'but' of this situation. How did we get to the seven year mark with him cheating on me? That's what I want to know! Was I in a coma, incarcerated or abducted by aliens? Because I find it hard to understand how I can lose count of how many girls MY man has been with since we've been together. If we're swinging or have an open relationship then I can understand but my jealous trait will not allow that to happen.
So I got to thinking; what does a man really have to possess for me to stick around for seven years of cheating?
i) He gives brain like he graduated from a good school
ii) He did juju on me, now my love is "blind"
iii) He has talents that give porn stars a run for their money
iv) He has deep pockets
v) He is a monster with words
vi) He's fine as hell
vii) You have kids together
And as I write this on the Northern line half eavesdropping, half concentrating I cannot find the sense in the reasons above. Is the pain worth it? Are you that naïve, insecure, in love that you cannot see that even though this man "claims" he loves you he is taking you for a fool? Yes, he is. He does not care or respect you because he is willing to watch you hurt. Does the pain go after seven years? Do you welcome him back with open arms and taste the girl he's just been with? He is ok with seeing you cry yourself to sleep. He thinks you'll get used it, over it or perhaps arrange a nicki minaje. You know you don't like it, stop fronting. You know he's not gonna change. You have allowed him for seven years to cheat on you and now you think he's tired because its less frequent? Go 'head boo, do you!
Bottom line, there's no better pussy than new pussy and you allowing him to go and do his "manly" thing is setting yourself up for an big fall. My friend advised me that some people might have hopes for the ring but my question still remains, what's the point? I guess I am a little biased because I am not a big fan of marriage so the ring is not a big deal to me but even if I was, why would I want to get married to someone who is going to be leading a single life? If I were to get married my husband would have to understand that he's eating these Jacob's crackers for life! Forget about Ritz and having variety to spice up your life. It is called monogamy for a reason.
Maybe I'm the naïve one and I don't know about the ting. Maybe with time I will become a little more compromising with cheating when I decide to lie to myself that all men cheat. They cheat because we allow them to. Nothing more, nothing less.
The video below is a must watch by @sulibreaks #hesnot
First things first, we're now on Twitter! Yay! I know it was about time so follow us @avgoodblog to keep up to date with all my relationship cynicism and the random things I go through every now and then. Why not eh? Also, read all my posts over at www.blogstop.co.uk every Wednesday.
Ok back to the topic at hand, I'm a firm believer in telling the truth as much as possible but there's only one situation when the truth won't set you free and that's when your man asks you how many people you've slept with. Its always two isn't it? No? Just me? Ok, moving on. How many women actually tell the truth though? I'm referring to the non-virgins. What I've always found strange is why men ask. Why? Why do you want to know? Because whatever number I say is going to be too much for you.
I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends and asked if she'd slept with the new guy she was dating (they're now official, yay!) and she said she hadn't, she wanted to see where this was going before she went ahead and opened her legs and at the end of that sentence she said "besides, i gotta think about my numbers! Now, this friend of mine has the lowest number ever! Use your imagination if you're really that nosey but even at such a minute number we have been programmed to keep our numbers as long as possible which is why we end up lying. Yes, I said it. We lie. Right to your face! They say that you're supposed to divide by three for men and multiply by three for women. Multiplying by three, really? Makes it a lot, doesn't it? And to be honest I don't think that men have a reason to lie any more about their numbers because sugar walls are so easy to get these days.
Us, women have been put under so much pressure on our numbers. Shoot, a lot of us have to recycle mushroom tips just so that you don't up your number. You know one of them times when you're feeling a bit frisky and you want to do it with this new guy, you really do but you can't because when you look at that little list you have, c'mon I'm not the only one! You look at that list and you know you're not ready to add another name to it so what do you do? You call Tyrone. You can't stand Tyrone but hell, it beats adding a number.
I need to clarify something right now for the masses, the number is a sensitive subject. No, we don't count Bob from Aya Napa, he doesn't count. We only count domestic tips and if it didn't go all the way in or if he was small we don't count that either. If he's in a different city it might be debatable too, different area code and all that. We definitely don't count one night stands or one hit wonders. If we hooked up five plus years ago, unfortunately you've been wiped out of memory. Only meaningful relationships, the ones that you called boyfriend for a bit longer than 3 months. Mistakes have already been erased from memory so they don't even come into the equation.
In an ideal world we'd all love to have slept with our prince charming. One man, is all we would have loved but somewhere down the line that man turned into a real mushroom tip and had to let go. So did the next one and a few more after that. Things don't always work out the way you want them to and it is so unfair to call SOME women hoes because of her numberunder the stress that we do because of how many men would have stuck their mushroom tips in our sugar walls. If I were a virgin I swear I'd have a 100 t-shirts made saying "Virgin and Proud" and wear them everyday. That'll be my thang.
I got inspired to write this post after going out for one of my friend's birthday. I'm not a "raver" so when I do go out I am in awe of what goes on in the mean streets of London. I'm so sheltered, I live such a normal life and stood out like a sore thumb amongst the fashion that has taken over people's sanity. The outrageous clothes and cheap imitations of some of the most useless celebrities around made me question if I was missing out by not shaving my hair and dying it blonde or weaving my hair into Kim Kardashian curls. I wasn't even wearing a dress and people were looking at me like I had gone against clubbing etiquette by not being half naked.
Question though, don't women feel the cold when they are standing in the queue to get in? I have seen women wearing extremely short dresses and not have a coat on, I have to give credit where credit is due because the shoe game is always on point but poor things always look like wounded dogs shivering in the cold.
So if the women are never cold, why the guys never hot. I have seen guys with three piece suits on, jumpers and hoodies (wasteman.) Sometimes I will be boiling in my "modest" clothes and there will be guys dancing their socks off but they are not sweating. Howdotheydothat? Ama-zing!
1. "Booty booty booty rockin' everywhere"
As soon as I walked in this song automatically started playing in my head. Is it me or have asses gotten bigger and the dresses shorter? Everywhere I looked was booty. Girls dressed in dresses just past their bum crease and then they started playing "Rack City" now these girls were shaking their asses in my face, I didn't know where to look so I look there. So uncomfortable and some what blinding.
2. Every one has a theme song
Remember that scene in that movie where the guy is walking and there is a whole band of people playing music behind him? His soundtrack to his life. I forget the movie but your imagination can help you here. Everyone in that place walked around like it was racks on racks on racks. They probably didn't have £20 in their wallet but if you asked them they were ballin'!!!
3. DJs love YMCMB
Did I spell it right? What the hell does that even stand for? Anyway, for about 30 minutes of my time there all I heard was Young Money Cash Money and "The Bawse." Is that what's hot in the clubs right now? Could Drake please decide if he wants to be an emotional rapper or "gangsta," the quotes are extremely necessary because when I watched "they know, they know, they know" video (I'm well aware that that's not the name but I'm not going to waste my time googling Drake) I could not stop laughing. What do they know Drake? Really? They know about Marvin's Room? Take Care? Gtfoh! But people seemed to be enjoying this crap. I just don't get it. Also, what is up with Meek Milli's voice? Am I the only one that finds his voice extremely high pitched and annoying, sounding like a damn coyote, shut up!
4. I act "bougie"
Funny thing is I'm not. I am well aware that I look like one of those girls "that think they're too nice" even though I am but I genuinely cannot dance to a song I do not like. My body just doesn't move and when the DJ starts playing YMBCMB (whatever) I just cannot move to that so I stand there with a drink in my hand thinking "wtf" although Rack City and The Motto are tunes! I can get down to that. Also if they play a song like "Teach me how to dougie" one cannot be seen doing any other dance apart from the dougie and any poor attempt will make you look like a fool, so I sway or two step and act like I'm bougie but I'm not.
5. I still don't know how to do the Dougie
There is only one moment in the four hours that I am in a club that I dread. When they play "Teach me how to Dougie." It's a constant reminder of that one dance I have failed to do. I can do the Cat Daddy, Tootsie Roll, hell I can even do Azonto but the Dougie? Man, that dance has failed me. I once spent one afternoon on the 30th of December 2011 trying to learn how to do the Dougie because I didn't want to go into the new year without knowing how to do the Dougie but alas! It is 2012 and I still can't do the freaking Dougie! When I watch the numerous youtube videos 'teaching me how to dougie' it's so easy yet so hard! Even Justin Beiber can do the dougie but I can't seem to do it. Why? *cries*
6. Electric slide
The Best Man paved the way for the electric slide. See from 8.15
There was once a joke made that the Electric Slide is the only dance that brings black people together. You could be in the middle of a fight and once you hear that intro, you have to pause for a minute and get ready to move to the right. You always go to the right first in case you didn't know, then left, back, dip dip then kick and turn. As a rule no matter how much my feet hurt since this song is usually played towards the end of the night I have to get up and do it, seems like everyone has that rule too. I was shocked to see the whole club moving in unison and there's always that one person that has no idea how to do the dance but they still insist on dancing in the middle messing it up for everyone and stepping on your feet which are hurting already just because they want to be involved. I even saw big hench guys in tight t-shirts and hood men rocking hoodies and sneakers (why are you wearing that in a club though?!) doing the electric slide. Go hard or go home!
