Another Cougar Post (by guest blogger)

I know some of you must be thinking that I'm now obsessed with cougar/cub relationships. I'm not. A guest blogger, who asked to remain anonymous sent me this post. I was in hysterics and I was happy that I wasn't the only one that felt sceptical about dating a younger man. This post was based on real events which explains why the blogger asked to remain private and I was present when this all happened, we were all young and in college hence the curfew. Did I just spoil it? She should have known better! Enjoy!

(Cougar, Cougar, Cougar)

So I got to thinking, ‘why do women become cougars?’ I mean this type of situation presents quite a few problems without even trying. For instance the lies that come up are quite laughable I must say. Can you imagine relaxing with friends and having a few drinks as people do, then as you get comfortable and the time gets later you begin to sense some kind of discomfort from your partner. He gets up, keeps glancing at his watch and tries to make an excuse because he now has to leave. Now because of embarrassment he’s not going to fully come out and say he has a curfew. Excuses like, ‘I have to go shopping for my mother tomorrow morning so I have to sleep early.’ Or my all-time favourite, ‘I have to get home early because my mother hates locking up without me. WHAT!!! C’mon, are you kidding me? I understand that at this time we were all young, we all had curfew (somewhat) and had to be home at a certain time but it was 7 o'clock and he didn't live that far from me which means his curfew must have been either 7.30 or 8.

So, there you are standing in front of your friends who so desperately want to laugh, as he leaves your house.  OMG I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. However, this young boy was sweet because the next time he went out bowling he bought me earrings. It was cute. They were these small "gold and diamond" studs that were in a small blue box. They looked a bit cheap but hey, it was the thought that counts right? How do you live down a situation where he buys you jewellery for £4.99 from Argos as a means to court you. Ok I’m not going to be mean. After all that’s probably as far as he could stretch his EMA money. I guess if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship all this can be avoided and you can have your fling during the day under wraps and no one has to know.

The plus side of dating a younger man is that they make you feel equally as young as they are. The idea of being older gives you a false sense of experience and power. And as an added bonus, they are much more adventurous compared to guys your own age, maybe because there is a need to constantly please in an effort to prove their man hood and ability to satisfy an older woman.

But be warned, the good things are few and far between. Make sure you don’t get caught in a situation where he brings his own bottled drink into a restaurant you are supposedly having dinner, all because he budgeted on a quarter chicken and chips with no bottomless drink. LOL. Please don’t let me put you off, just always make sure you have a little extra so you can get a bottomless drink, assuming that option is there. Then he’ll know to wait for you  to finish drinking so he can have one too.

Hate to tell ya... But you're the side chick

Sometimes I sit down and I try to figure out what exactly goes on in the minds of these simple men we love to hate. (I am currently in rehab therefore I am omitting myself from using the n-word, m-word, s-word, b-word, a-word and I'm still contemplating on the f-word. I realised that cursing is rude and I'm such a f-ing lady.) I am yet to meet a woman who is looking to be the side chick, mistress well apart from those waste girls on Real Mistresses of ATL, yes it's a show and it's coming to a site near you. Well, I guess there's a difference between women whose life ambition is to live off married men, good for y'all. Refer to my "Reasons Why Men Cheat" to see what I think of you.



I'm not going to go into the logistics of why you were made the side chick or what did you do wrong for him to confuse you from being wifey material to a jump off when you were rubbing on his tings at dinner on your first date. I'm not going to go into that, that's for another day. I'm sure I am not the only woman out there who gets really offended at the realisation that the Trigga Trey lookalike who you were thinking of introducing to your mum, dad and aunties at the next family reunion has already been introduced! Shoot, he didn't have an early start when you invited him over for a booty call, he has curfew and has to be home by a certain time or else his baby mama will have his balls for breakfast. You're his spicy rice, creamy mash, you're just a side.

1. A woman's intuition is her number one weapon. If you have a feeling that things ain't right they probably aren't.
If you have a feeling, an inkling an itch that you might just not be the main chick then you're probably right, he's probably already spoken for and you're just being the awkward odd girl out.

2. Holidays are out of the question
Christmas, his birthday, Valentine's Day, New Years celebration he is AWOL. As much as you would have loved to spend his birthday with him, his main chick had already booked him for that day and well, she comes first. So he will make time for you the day before, the day after and maybe the afternoon if the Mrs. hasn't got all day plans. If it is a surprise that she has planned for him, expect last minute cancellations because he has to do something with his mum.
For Valentine's Day your man is going to make a couple of excuses. Either he doesn't believe in Valentine's Day because its so commercial and just a way to get people to spend money or you are breaking up a few weeks or even days before then making up after.

3. He never takes you anywhere
Have you noticed that you never do 'couply' things? You never go out to eat, cinema, bowling all that boring stuff that couples do and when you do it is way out of ends. He will take you to an area that is way out of both your way because he might know someone there that will give him a good deal but coincidentally when you get there his 'friend' is not picking up his phone or isn't working that day. He cannot be seen by anyone he knows with you so he will try to keep you happy by taking you out like you asked but as a compromise it has to be on the outskirts of London where no one knows him. If you always find yourself confined in the four walls of his or your room and when you do go to his house he has to sneak you in because he doesn't want his mum to see you, it might just be time to take a long walk and don't look back. If he's serious about you why can he not introduce you to his mother? You're both grown. I smell fish. Leave. Perhaps you found yourself a real man who has his own apartment, car and the whole shebang it doesn't mean he wouldn't want a little piece on the side
and so he spends quality time with you in his place, no where else.

4. The receptionist at Premier Inn and Travelodge knows your name
Did you ever wonder why he never takes you to his house but always to a hotel. He might say something along the lines of "I don't usually bring girls to my house until I'm ready to introduce them to my mum." You have both spent an arm and a leg on cheap hotel rooms just for you to spend quality time with him and after all that he still won't take out back to his house. Girl, wake up. Hotels are nice on holidays, believe me I'm a hotel junkie but if that's where you seem to be meeting up all the time you need to get your Columbo on and start investigating!

5. You only meet up after hours
How come you never go out when the sun is shining? Not that we get much sun over here but you know what I mean. How come he is always busy during the weekend **coughs wifey coughs** and only seems to have time for you during the week after work? Or when you do see him on the weekend its usually during booty call hours when he calls you to come over or maybe he wants to stop by for a night cap. In his defence he is a busy guy, I mean with work, gym, tanning and laundry he has no choice but to see you in the evening babes. *blank stare*

6. Lastminute.com
He should have shares in lastminute.com the way he makes and breaks his plans with you. When you make plans to see each other and do special things that lovers do he always seems to cancel at the very last minute because something would have come up that he has to do! Yeah, his main chick. She probably did a last minute thing herself and told him she was on her way or they were going somewhere, you know girlfriend stuff that you probably do for him only that no one knows about you... awkward. Also, he is the most spontaneous man on earth. He can just call you at any time and tell you that he's coming to pick you up and then call you five minutes later saying he can't come. Hmmm.

7. You gets no love on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram
You follow him, he follows you, you're his "friend" and all that nonsense but you get no ratingson social networking sites. Why? Because he doesn't want his business out like that, he's a very private personal and does not want everyone to knowing his private life. All of a sudden you cannot see or write on his wall. With this new function they have on Facebook that you can limit what individuals view on your profile he probably went to "werk" when he added you restricting all the pictures of him and his girl without actually deleting them from his profile because that will cause problems on home ground. Mark Zuckerberg is one sneaky man (almost used the m-word there!) He probably has "married" as his relationship status and everyone but you can see it.

I know there is more but as usual I get wound up when writing about these things, I don't want to go all 'Bane' like the guy in Colorado who thought it was a good idea to kill people enjoying the new Batman movie. SMH, what is the world coming to? He probably has a side chick himself!   

Go Dutch? We Ain't In The Netherlands!

"Going Dutch" is a term that indicates that each person participating in a group activity pays for himself, rather than any one person paying for anyone else, particularly in a restaurant bill.

Miss Tammy: Damn girl, I can't wait for payday
Saz: But didn't you just go on a date on Saturday?
Miss Tammy: Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
Saz: What if his card got declined?
Miss Tammy: Then I'd have sent out a broadcast for money transfer asap.
Saz: And if noone had money?
Miss Tammy: I go die o!

This is an extract from a recent BBM conversation that I had with Saz, I am very 21st century and I believe in going dutch. I also have a rule that I never leave my house to go on a date if I can't afford it but there is an exception to every rule since this date was not the first date and who am I to pass up a good date because the balance in my bank account is not speaking the language that I'd like to hear? I should say though on this occassion I did not do the whole "reach-for-your-purse-in-hopes-that-he-would-say-he's-going-pay move" because what if he decided that we should indeed go dutch? What would I do then? Tell him the truth that I was just being polite and actually had no intention of paying because my card will probably get chopped up if I gave it to the waiter because the balance is well below zero?

But let's think about the situation that Saz had talked about. What if his card had got declined and he looked at me to bail him out, what could I have done then? Honestly, I'd have started laughing and in the words of Cilla I'd have said "I can't help you!" and made my way home. Standard. I'm cool like that.

For many women going dutch is a dangerous zone, I am yet to meet a woman who is willing to go out on a second date with a guy who would have made her pay. And they say it's not about money, what is it about then? If a guy asked you to go dutch on the first date, is it a done deal? I have noticed that paying for a date is the one act of chivalry that women have refused to let go of. They will open their own doors, drive around town with their man in the passenger seat but will not accept going dutch. Why? Does it prove that he's not cheap or that he's not a douche bag? A fool can still wine and dine you and he can also ask you to come out of the pocket. I don't know, I tend to bump heads with men and women when this topic comes up over birthday dinners and random get togethers. I almost got stoned to death at Saz's birthday when I expressed that I didn't mind going on a first date with a guy and he used vouchers. I don't. As long as he gives me a heads up prior to the date then it's cool otherwise he'll just look like a cheapo who's trying to get one over on me. If a guy stepped up to me and says that he's got vouchers for Pizza Express, I don't mind! Judge me if you like, whatever because at the end of the day if he's stingy with his cash whether he pays full price on that first date or not you are going to feel the burn further down the line. Be real with me, show me that you care about your money and I will send you the link to vouchercodes.co.uk or even sign you up for groupon so you can get more than 50% off deals. *kanye shrug*

Tell Me If He's Cheating So I Can Fark Him Up!

Baby! It's not what it looks like!

If you found out that your friend's partner was cheating on them would you tell them?

I asked a few of my friends what they'd do if they found my man cheating. A few said they'd tell me, some wouldn't and others would tell him to tell me. If I was cheating and my man's friend caught me and told me to tell Bob that I was cheating, how would that conversation go?

"Hey babe. You know John. He's not my cousin y'kno"
"What d'you mean he's not your cousin?"
"Well, we're kinda getting it in. I'm sowwy."

Call me crazy but I'd prefer it if he approached me and asked me if I'm cheating on him to which I will deny it unless he has visual evidence to show me otherwise its deny, deny, deny. Anyway, this is not about me.

"I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!"

If you are my friend and you're reading this right now, I'd like to tell you that if I catch your man cheating I am going to video record him and take pictures. Then I will arrange a Starbucks lunch (because I love their chicken and tomato panini) and tell you about his triflin' ass. When you do confront him about it, feel free to drop my name in there or better yet I will be there with you swinging my baseball bat in case he tries anything funny saying "that's right, I saw you motherf*cker. I saw you!"

One of my friends that said she wouldn't tell me said it was because she knew I'd go crazy. Yes. Yes, I will. I will be sitting there in Starbucks arms folded, biting my cheek and shaking my left leg under the table thinking "where is that fool? Let me go and get that nucca!"
But I do understand where she's coming from, I might go cray and get done for murder but there are also some women who prefer to stay ignorant if their man's cheating and if my friend told me that she preferred not to know if her man's cheating then I'd respect that and not say anything if I caught him cheating on her. There are certain situations, like marriage, you got kids, you don't believe in divorce etc where you know you're not going to leave your partner so if they are creeping you'd rather not know because it's only going to cause heartache for you. Fair enough.

I personally do not think that cheating is the end of a relationship (like I wrote in Monogamy the myth.) People make mistakes and move on. If you were my friend and withheld that information from me I'd be very hurt because maybe he was going through some things that made him cheat and the discovery of his infidelity would allow us to address those issues and move on, possibly make our relationship better or stronger. When I do find out, I will not bust his windows because his windows might be my windows but there will definitely be some furniture movement in the house and I will beat him til the white meat then we can talk about why the hell he did it.

If we break up, we break up and if we stay together and work it out then that's my prerogative. You might be sitting across the table from us thinking that I stayed with a fool but at least I'll know he's a fool and dammit he'll be my fool! The last thing I'd want is for someone to know that my man is cheating on me and I don't. Tell me, let me deal with it. I promise I won't kill him and if I do I will plead temporary insanity.


Disclaimer: I do not condone violence, in fact I can't even fight. I just have a big mouth!

Don't Just Engage Me, Marry Me!

I love those little moments when people call, text or bbm me telling that their man has just popped the question. I love it! I also love hearing about wedding plans, bridesmaids, cakes, venues to a certain extent. Don't go on about it, I got things to do instead of listening to you rumble on about your wedding.

BUT what really gets me going is when you get engaged with no plans for a wedding? What are we doing getting engaged for two years? If a man asks me to marry him, he better believe that I'm going to start googling Vera Wang dresses and finding out which horrid dresses I'm going to put my lovely girlfriends in. Don't ask me to marry you if you don't want to get married right now. I had a man, lovely guy, a bit too light skinned but lovely nonetheless. He decided that it was a good idea to ask me to marry him and it was. So he does his thing and asks me to marry him and I asked him if he was asking me to marry him because he was ready to get married. He said he wasn't ready but he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. So you want to hook me nucca? That's the male equivalence of pregnancy. They don't want you to leave so they hook you by dangling marriage in front of us.

The next thing you know you wake up one morning five years later wondering how you're still Miss and not Mrs Jones. You were the first one of your friends to get engaged but they've made their walk down the aisle and you're still waiting for the money to be right. Maybe I'm wrong, I dont know but since I'm not pro-marriage when I bend my beliefs a little bit to marry you cannot tell me that it's going to be a long engagement. No, you go down on one knee and I say yes; you best believe that I'm going to start planning our wedding that same night! Google never sleeps!

*drops mic*