So you've decided to sleep over...

There are a lot of unspoken trials and tribulations that a woman goes through the first time she decides to sleep at a man's house. It's not as simple as grabbing an overnight bag with cute jim jams, whipped cream and handcuffs. Oh no, a sleep over is a decision you need to sit down with your girlfriends in Nando's and discuss if you are ready for that next step in your relationship. There are a few things one has to consider and decide if they are ready to take that step.

1. The head scarf

A lot of black men have been brought up in households where their mums, sisters or aunts walk around in a head scarf on a daily basis so they are pretty much used to seeing a woman in a headscarf. You'd think that this would make it easier, oh no. You have to think about how you're going to wrap your hair; are you going to do it in an attractive and fashionable way but still make sure that all the hair is covered or do you just wear it the same way you would when you are at home. If you decide on not wearing a head scarf you have to make sure your gentleman friend has silk pillow cases because there's nothing worse than cotton when you've just had your hair did. For someone like me who has short hair, if I sleep without a head scarf I wake up with my hair looking like Jedward and it will not go down unless I wrap it.

2. No make up look

If you've been seeing a guy and he's constantly seen you with make up on, it creates a picture. My skin ain't that flawless, my eye lashes are not that long and my weave does not blend that well without straighteners! Hell, I got a few spots here and there that MAC has covered up for me. Basically, I do not look like how I looked at 3pm when you met me; mix that up with the headscarf then oh boy!
You don't want him to go to sleep with Pamela Anderson and wake up next to something on the left, I'm not even sure who that is to be honest. I don't know if there's much difference in how I look with make up and when I'm bare faced so if I have stay at a guy's house for the first time that moment when you're about to go to bed is a thinker. Do you take the make up off or just scare him in the morning when your face is on his pillow case and your hair is looking like Goku from Dragonball Z?

3. Morning breath

Is there anything on this earth that smells worse than morning breath? So before agreeing to spend the night you go through a few things and one of them is contemplating whether you let him smell your morning breath or wake up early, brush your teeth and jump back into bed or perhaps keep a tic tac underneath your pillow so that you can pop it into your mouth before he wakes up. I usually choose him smelling my morning breath because I do not sacrifice my sleep for anyone and besides morning breath is natural, hell if he's gonna breathe that in my face why can't I breathe in his?

4. Snoring

What if you snore? Ever thought about that? You usually sleep alone, how do you know if you snore or not? I tend to sleep talk the first time I sleep in a foreign bed. Whether its my friend, aunt, hotel, man; I will sleep talk if its the first time. Guaranteed. So, here we are. In his bed; the first time we're spending the night together and I start saying random shit. He's gonna think I'm crazy or have some kind of demon that comes alive at night. This only happens on the first night by the way and I do always give a disclaimer.

I had to say something regarding this matter because sleeping over for the first time is one of the least spoken about dilemmas that we go through but the good thing about it is that once you have slept over, there's nothing left to worry about. You'll be putting your mask on, greasing your head and taking out your weave while he watches football on a Sunday afternoon.

He's just not THAT into you

Happy new year everyone! Hope you have all made attainable new years resolutions and hopefully one of them is to know when to let a guy go when he's not into you because certain baggage really should not be dragged into the new year. It needs to stay there, in 2011. So if you're in doubt and are confused about if he is THAT into you; fear not, I'm here to break it all down for you.

So, I have a couple of single girlfriends who go on dates every now and then and after a few dates or even before the first date they're usually very curious and anxious to know if the guy likes them. Sometimes the signs are as clear as day when he likes you, it's when he's not that into you that you get those mixed signals which are so confusing that you just want to pick up the phone and ask "dude, do you like me or not?" But obviously its easier said than done so we resort to checking our phones every two minutes, watching your Blackberry to see if that red light is blinking. You look at your phone for about 30 seconds without blinking just in case you miss it when you know that red light blinks every 5 seconds but you still unlock your phone to check if there's a message in case you missed it one minute ago when you last checked. As women and girlfriends sometimes we lie to our friends to spare their feelings by making excuses for the guy: "he's busy with work", "he's doesn't want to seem too eager", "his dog probably ate his phone", "he probably fell down the stairs, bumped his head, broke his jaw and has a wire in his mouth and his fingers broke from when he tried to break his fall so he can't call or text you." It's a very confusing time for women. So here we go ladies, bookmark this page.

1. He's not calling

There is no such thing as a guy being too busy to call, having no minutes or credit. When a guy likes you, he will find a way to call you. He will ask his friends, use his work/house phone, use the phone box (they still make those?) or even ask a stranger in the street. I don't know, I just know that I will not accept such boohockey like that. If he's really that down on his luck he will ask you to call him because he really wants to talk to you that much. If he likes you he will call. Period.

2. He's not asking you out

If he likes you why doesn't he want to see you again? If a guy likes you, he will be sure to schedule another date with you soon because he'd want to get to know you better and be in your company so if he's not asking you out and there isn't a good reason why, he probably doesn't want to see you again.

3. You always initiate contact

Do you always find yourself calling or texting him first? When you scroll through your text history it's always you saying "morning babe, hope you slept well. Have a lovely day" and your reply is a few days late or even no reply at all? You always ask him if he wants to meet up with you. You always call him to say "hey stranger, just calling to see if you're still alive." Oh, he's alive alright. He's just not THAT into you enough to pick up the phone and call or text you.

4. He's always busy

There's no such thing as he's busy. I hate to break it to you girl but it's a lie. A man will never be too busy if he really wants to see you. He will drive by your house after work for 10 minutes just to say hi. He will call you when he's on his way home, in the toilet, when he's having lunch, whatever but there is no such thing as he is busy. If he is really THAT into you he will make enough effort to stop you wondering if he likes you. Once you hear that, tell him to hit the road jack because he's feeding you lies.

5. He's not acknowledging your efforts

I have a friend who is quite possibly going to kill me for writing this story but it is just too funny, I have to share. Hold on, there are two stories from two friends I am going to share with you. Keep in mind that I am putting my friendship at risk here by sharing this you.
Friend one bought a sexy bow for the man in her life at that time. It was his birthday and she wanted to do a sexy surprise for him so she took a picture of herself in the bow, sexy pose you know the finger in the mouth, booty tooch and all that and nothing! She sent this sexy picture to him and he didnt even reply. So she called T-Mobile asking what was wrong with her picture messaging service to which they confirmed that everything was fine and her last message had been delivered successfully. So the obvious thing will be to ask the receipient if he received the picture to which he replied that he had. *Crickets*

Friend two, this story gets me going everytime I end up in stiches whenever I hear it or tell it. So my dear friend  was so smitten with this guy that she decided to surprise him by turning up to his house butt naked. On her way to his house while she sat on bus 54 (bus number has been changed to protect said friend's identity) he called her. They made idle conversation and he told her that he was on his way out to see some of his friends, well at this point she had no choice but to ruin the surprise and tell him what she was doing and this son of a gun told her to go back home. Really? She was sitting on the bus butt naked on her way to see him and he is going to choose seeing his boys over a butt naked woman. He's either gay or does not like you booboo.

6. You're the last priority

So you want to do something but he tells you that he'll let you know. Does he have plans? No, he's waiting to see if something comes up but if it doesn't you'll be the first to know. You have a date planned this weekend but he cancels last minute because he has to go out with his friends *blank stare*

7. He only hits you up on Facebook or twitter

I know this guy, lovely fella so I'm not going to cuss him but I am going to call him out for the foolishness he did. This guy had my number, email, MSN, home address, youcatchmydrift but he felt that it was OK for him to only talk to me on Facebook. I didn't mind because he was cool so when I was online and he was online we spoke, you know, it was cool until he asked me out. Eh? I'm not talking about asking me out on a date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. On Facebook. Yes. My question was if we were going to be having some sort of Facebook relationship that I can't 'poke' any other dudes on Facebook because you know "he was my boyfriend." No excuses because this guy was a very out going sociable guy who did not lack confidence, we had actually been out on a few dates before so no. Stupid excuses, unacceptable really. If you have my number why are you not calling or texting me? Hell, there's whatsapp you're not hitting me up on there either.

8. He's not making any effort

The thing about men that my daddy told me on one uncomfortable drive on the M1 to Leicester from Middlesbrough, I remember it like it was yesterday; it was that uncomfortable. My daddy thought it was a good idea to talk to me about men... Daddy, come on! But I sat in silence and listened. He told me that men are conquerors. That's what they do, by nature they live to conquer. He didn't specify however what it was exactly men wanted to conquer but I think we all know. So, if a guy hasn't conquered yet or has indeed conquered already and he's still not making any effort, chances are that he does not want to conquer. He is not interested to the point that he feels the need to make any effort.

9. Out of sight, out of mind

I once dated this guy who I was really crazy about. Let's call him Bob. I dated Bob initially for about 3 months and was totally smitten. When I was with him he treated me like the only girl in the world, no Rihanna. I looked forward to seeing him every weekend. I travelled every Friday from London to Leicester where he stayed to go and see him. Bob however had one minor fault. He didn't like me. Did I know this? No. I was too infatuated with his perfect body and perfect five year plan that I didn't even notice that when I was not with him, he did not do anything to acknowledge my existence. When I called him, he didn't pick up. When I texted he texted me back two days later. I finally decided to break up with him since he just wasn't showing any interest in me when I wasn't with him, I sent him a break up text (don't judge me) he didn't even text me back! Need I say more?

Monogamy The Myth

The idea of writing this post came to me after one of my best friends confessed to me that she had cheated on her long term boyfriend because they were going through some problems. She is not the first or last I wasn't surprised because frankly nothing really surprises me. In truth I really did not want to blog about this because my thoughts and rationalisations do not par with an average human being's therefore I'm considered weird; I also feared getting stoned to death every time I walked down the street or worse get hate mail but after witnessing a lot of people cheating behind their spouses' back it made me question this thing called monogamy so before you start gathering your sticks and stones please hear me out.

First of all, let me make something clear I'm a woman and I love monogamy. I love that whole union of two people loving each other and sharing spaghetti and meatballs, holding hands whilst taking long walks in the park and going through the good and bad times together but lets face it one of the bad times that you might have to go through is dealing with your partner cheating. This is not limited to women because as much as men cheat, women cheat too. Many relationships have ended because someone has cheated, some people forgive and some people don't but at the end of the day someone might cheat. "They" say that in every marriage someone has cheated or someone will cheat, which led me to think that maybe monogamy is just a myth and it actually does not exist. I'm not a cynic but a realist and if the stats of cheating are that high then why do we keep pushing monogamy, don't get me wrong I will bust someones windows if they cheated on me.

 "Science" says that women are naturally monogamous, however men are not. I say BS! Monogamy is a choice that men and women make. You can't tell me that just because you are a man you are not able to be faithful. We don't believe you, you need more people! In my opinion monogamy is a societal requirement because if it was natural for human beings to be monogamous then why do so many people cheat? Why is that in 7 out of 10 relationships that I have witnessed someone has cheated or has been cheated on? Why is it that each and everyone that is going to read this post would have been cheated on or have cheated? So the scientists say that it is natural for men to be promiscuous, I can bet that scientist was a man who wanted a poor excuse to cheat on his wife. I know a lot of women who have cheated or have contemplated cheating for various reasons because someones decision to cheat differs from one individual to the next.

As human beings if we are not content or satisfied with a particular area in our lives we try and change it and when it comes to relationships our eyes start to wonder. Morally and out of respect for your significant other you might not cheat but the thought will cross your mind. Some people choose to remain monogamous for different reasons and that is commendable because in remaining faithful you are saving someone from a lot 808 and heartbreak. Let's face it, if you are in a monogamous relationship and you have not cheated and do not intend on cheating on your significant other it's because you don't want to. It's got nothing to do with it not being in you, you might think that it's not in you because of your values and the way you were raised but ultimately it is your choice. If I have everything I want in a relationship and I am content I will not cheat, I choose not to because I do not need to. There is no point in risking losing someone for a cheap thrill but that's only because I will be choosing to remain monogamous.

A wise man once said that one of the reasons why a man might remain faithful to his wife is if what he has to lose is greater than the booty he's about to receive or if his beliefs go against being unfaithful. I'm not going to discuss the reasons why men cheat in this article because that's not what this post is about, its about all of us. I am not condoning cheating because I do not agree with the act, all I am saying is if you find yourself in a situation where you have been cheated on try and analyse the situation to see if it's worth forgiving and working things out because it might really just be a mistake or a moment of weakness. For those like myself who find it a bit challenging to forgive someone who would have cheated on me because every time I see them, I'll get a picture. You know the picture I'm talking about. That picture when you imagine them and the other person... yes, that picture. I honestly believe that when you get this picture it's involuntary because no one wants to see that! The problem with me is that I get a full length movie in my head, not a picture so I never have a choice but to let things go. If you also find yourself in a situation where you are tempted to cheat think about the heartbreak you might cause the other person and hopefully that might change your mind. As much as I believe that monogamy is a choice it's one of the greatest choices one can make because when you really love someone you do not want to see them hurt or if you are dating someone crazy they might just go Jazmine Sullivan on you.

The Race Issue

There have been so many things going on in the world hasn't there while I hibernated away from my blog? From Mark Duggan, the riots, Wayne Rooney getting hair plugs, Basketball Wives, work (I don't even want to get into that) the list is endless. I would love to get into all of these but I got a few things to say about something else; black women. Yes, us.

I recently came back from holiday with my girls. We went to some European destination to get some sun, sea and sand, perhaps a little holiday romance for some of my single friends. When we got there we were disappointed at the lack of black men. There were none. Well, there were like five but they don't really count because well... they don't. I was amazed however at my girlfriends' unwilliness to bend or at least consider the white man, myself included but I'm taken so I don't count. So it made me wonder; why is that black women are so uncompromising when it comes to dating another race?

Eve's swirling!

I love black men, don't get me wrong and I was one of those women who dated nothing but black men but if you really think about it we are limiting ourselves A LOT by waiting solely for them. In this day and age it's cool to be black and unfortunately for us black women every other race wants to be with a black man too. Of course there are those that would rather stick to their own race or date anything but a black man but the reality of the situation is there is a lot of jungle fever going on out there. Black men are not limiting themselves to us so why do we continue to limit ourselves to them? What we continue to do is throw shade at an interracial couple, not all of us because some have gotten used to seeing ebony and ivory look walking down Oxford Street.

Did I ever mention that I got cheated on with a white girl? He says she wasn't white but she looked hella white to me! Anyway, I'm over it. I am. Seriously. I'm over it. I don't know why I'm going on about it but its fine. Karma is a bitch anyway and he got his. *kanye shrug* 

If she ain't black, she's white

In other news, have you noticed how happy a black woman in an interracial relationship is? They always look happy, sound happy. Walking down the street looking all chirpy and happy. I'm not saying that black women are not happy with black men, they are. I have friends that are happily married, engaged or dating a black man. The point I'm trying to put across is that we can also find happiness in other races not just black. I have three aunts who are married to white men, they're happy and although we have this notion that there will be a culture barrier and they will not be able to understand how we do things etc but when someone is serious about you they will try and understand how your culture is and most of the time people are intrigued and want to learn more. He knows you are not white.

I do admire our hope and faith in our black men that we will find our knight in shining Armani but the statistics are not our side ladies. We currently have the highest rate of single women, this is not because we are loud, have high expectations, an attitude or any other stereotype thrown at us; it's because we have a shortage of good black men. It is a known fact that there are more women than men, also known fact that there is a shortage of good men, another fact is that there is a shortage of good black men. If every other race including us is going after black men and they are not going after the 'wasteman' they want the cream of the crop too, black men end up having a wider variety of who to choose from and unfortunately we're not always at the top of their list.

So I say to you my fellow black women, let us love our men and let us also venture out to see what else is out there. A man is a man and a black man is a man with a strong tan, he's blessed (not all of them), and gosh he is just beautiful. Then again so is Channing Tatum, Paul Walker, Wentworth Miller and Hrithik Roshan. Just saying.

12 Reasons Why Men Cheat?

I got inspired to write this after watching Man and Wife on youtube and also reading Steve Harvey's Act like a lady, think like a man. So I did a bit more research and visited my frequent male authored blogs vsb, blackgrilsareeasy and brotherswithnogame and compiled a list.

A few people had asked me to do a post on 'Signs that he's cheating' but I don't need to do that because its plain and simple. Use your intuition. We were blessed with something men weren't. When something is wrong we feel it so follow that feeling. If you think your man is cheating he probably is so when that time comes get your detective hat on and do some investigating. I might just do a post on this after all.

Anyway, Steve Harvey's book is a must have for every woman and most hated book by most men because Steve really goes in on them!

I think this is one question that gets us women all riled up and confused because really it doesn't make sense because if he loves and caers about you why on earth would he cheat? What I learnt is that men are simple. So simple they're complicated because us (women) are complicated creatures therefore we over think things. So what I'm going to do is combine the reasons I've got from my research and add a bit of explanation to it. Remember, don't over think it. It is as it is. Men are simple. End of.

1. Because they can.

First and foremost this is the one reason that makes me wanna get a mack 10, sniper rifle, shot gun every kind of weapon you can think and eliminate all men (apart from my daddy he's perfect) is this reason. "What the f- d'you mean because they can?" Yep, that was my exact reaction. Because they can??? Who gave them the right to cheat? Who told them they can go out and cheat on us women, cause heartbreak and what have you?The answer is simple. There's nothing you or I can do if your man wants to cheat on you. Nothing. Confiscate his phone, get his passwords, put a damn tracker on his car but if that man wants to cheat, he will.
Ok, let's calm down before we move on cos I'm getting a bit mad myself over here.
*yoga instructor voice* breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Gooood.

Ready? Let's move on.

2. He's bored and wants excitement

Relationships get boring sometimes, let's face it. After being with someone for a long time you're not as excited to be with them as you were in the beginning. Its not your fault, its human nature *tell them that it's human nature.*
Anyway, I think this one applies to both men and women because we get bored too and stray because we want excitement but this is not about us, its about them!
I don't think I need to elaborate too much on this one, its pretty self-explanatory.

3. You ain't doing it like you used to

When you first got together you were swinging from chandeliers, wearing 6 inch heels, frequenting Ann Summers to buy sexy thangs but now he'll be lucky if he gets a kiss. You just want to get it done and over with. You're wearing your headscarf as soon as you get in, wearing that big ol' t-shirt you got in that 2005 goodie bag when you went to that festival. Your razor is rusting because you haven't shaved your legs, arms or bikini line since last summer and you smell of food and baby sick and he'll be lucky if he gets it in at least once a week.
We can't blame it all on the fellas.

4. Long distance relationship

Hoping not to hit a nerve with this one but its the truth. Couples who live far from each other and have a long distance relationship are likely to cheat because they need (that's what they say, they need) that physical touch. To men bussing a nut is not the same as a woman bussing a nut. There are very few women who can have sex with a guy and walk away without catching feelings, very few but guys can. The man in question can go from having sex with a random woman then go and skype his girlfriend like it never happened because a man's feelings and his penis are two separate beings. They're not associated. They both have a mind of their own. So if a couple is in a long distance relationship, the guy having sex with a random broad doesn't mean he doesn't love or care about her, he just needed a hit. Simples.

5. She tripped and fell on his d***

I'm yet to see a guy who will walk away from a butt naked woman standing in front of him and offering it to him on a platter. I didn't say they're not out there, I just said I'm yet to meet him. So if he's out there, I'd like to meet him and see which woman he xlaims to have turned down.

6. He's not ready for commitment

Now this guy probably has your best interests at heart and when getting into a relationship with you he probably doesn't realise that somewhere down the line he's gonna want to spread his wings and fly fly fly! If a man is not ready for commitment i.e to settle down, he's most probably going to cheat on you. An inexperienced man also falls in this bracket. I'm not saying that he's inexperienced as in he doesn't know what he's doing but what I mean is that if he hasn't had the opportunity to do what "guys do" somewhere down the line he's probably gonna want to. If he hasn't got it out of his system and said "Man, I'm tired of this. I'm ready to settle down" he's probably going to cheat because he's yet to experience all that, this also explains mid-life crisis, men who got married too young etc because these people will feel like they haven't lived their lives and human beings are selfish, they always look out for number one.

7. Other women

Don't get me started on this one. Oooh, this one gets me so mad it makes me wanna cut a bitch. My guess is you probably found out about my blog on facebook. Now look on your newsfeed, one of them bitches will probably sleep with your man. I call them bitches because anyone willing to sleep with someone else's man knowingly deserves to be called a bitch. If that's you, yes you're a bitch because you caused some woman some serious heartache. You made some woman lose sleep, appetite and all that shit that comes with being cheated. Hell, you probably made her lose her self esteem so yes, you are a bitch and I'll say it to your face too!
To all my good, moral having, self confident women; one of the reasons why men cheat is because women allow them to. They know he's got a woman at home and they don't care because they want him. This doesn't apply to those women who were lied to that the guy was single when he really wasn't. It's not their fault. He lied but those Alicia Keys' broads or mistresses, side chicks, jump offs whatever they wanna call themselves they are one of the main reasons why men cheat. Full stop.

8. You've forgiven him before

Good for you if you forgave your man for once cheating on you. With this point, not all men will repeat this if they truly learned their lesson and were truly remorseful. Sometimes it takes almost losing someone to understand and appreciate what you have and for some this is what it took and he will not cheat on you again because he knows what he felt and went through emotionally when he almost lost you.
But then there are those that feel because you forgave them, you'll forgive him again. Most common with men who'd have cheated more than once before and you forgave them. He's cheated on you, what three times now and all it takes is a bit of sweet talking, flowers and dinner to make you forgive him? He always tells you that he's never going to do it again and that he loves you and never meant to hurt you doesn't he? If that's so, why does he keep doing it?
Forgiving someone who has once cheated is a risk because they might do it again and you'll end up looking like a fool or they might not. Personal choice. Think smart. Do you.

9. She was there before you came along

Now this is an oldie but a goodie. There are some chicks who will always be the side chick. It's got nothing to do with you, you can be perfect and all of that but she's his side chick. That's the girl who helps your man out when you're mad at him. She's the one that helped him get along during courting days when you were holding on to your three month rule. Side chick will only get fired when he decides that he's done with her and cheating and just wants you because even if she has a man, the side chick is loyal to your man because they go way back. They have an understanding. She'll never call when you're around, send him raunchy sexts you might find because she knows her place. Hell, if he's brave enough he might just introduce you to her as his good friend just so that you don't get paranoid when she calls or he goes to her house. They're buddies remember, he told you about her!

10. You're boring as hell in bed

I mean c'mon do I really have to elaborate on this one? No one wants to make love to a corpse, move a little or that girl doing the stanky legg will be stanking on your man. Just saying.

11. They think they can get away with it

Men are not as dumb as they seem but they're not as smart as they think they are either. A man will not cheat on you if he thinks he's going to get caught. That'll be stupid and that means he's stupid and you don't want be with him anyway. Or he probably doesn't respect you so he doesn't care whether you find out or not but a man who actually cares about you will make sure that you have no chance of finding out if he's going to cheat on you.
Why would he cheat if he cares about you? Go back to the top and start reading again.
Basically if your man is feeling all of the above or none of the above he might cheat on you if the situation arises. For example if he goes to Beijing for work (I don't know why beijing, just go along with it) he's over there for two weeks and you're back at home taking care of the house and what have you. He's a man, he's horny and there are women around him ("$5 sucky sucky?" Nah, I'm kidding.) He might pay for it, he might pick it up in a bar or he might find it on the internet. Either way if he's going to cheat on you, how will you find out?

12. He's got a Facebook or Twitter account

There's a reason why Facebook is one of the leading reasons why people are divorcing. Its not because they're playing farmville or mafia wars. No no. Its because he's chatting to that girl he's mutual friends with his friend's friend. See my post on 'How Facebook stays ruining relationships.' This new age technology is a blessing and a curse. People are fighting, breaking up over this stuff and unfortunately there's so much temptation out there in the cyber world and men are going crazy. Have you seen someone's profile who has 1443 friends and wonder how since they're not famous but after looking at her pictures on Facebook and Twitter you understand? New age weakness. Smh.

I know there are loads more I've missed out, feel free to help a sister out. If it was up to me, it'll be abstinence for all!!! Later AVGB people!