Monogamy The Myth

The idea of writing this post came to me after one of my best friends confessed to me that she had cheated on her long term boyfriend because they were going through some problems. She is not the first or last I wasn't surprised because frankly nothing really surprises me. In truth I really did not want to blog about this because my thoughts and rationalisations do not par with an average human being's therefore I'm considered weird; I also feared getting stoned to death every time I walked down the street or worse get hate mail but after witnessing a lot of people cheating behind their spouses' back it made me question this thing called monogamy so before you start gathering your sticks and stones please hear me out.

First of all, let me make something clear I'm a woman and I love monogamy. I love that whole union of two people loving each other and sharing spaghetti and meatballs, holding hands whilst taking long walks in the park and going through the good and bad times together but lets face it one of the bad times that you might have to go through is dealing with your partner cheating. This is not limited to women because as much as men cheat, women cheat too. Many relationships have ended because someone has cheated, some people forgive and some people don't but at the end of the day someone might cheat. "They" say that in every marriage someone has cheated or someone will cheat, which led me to think that maybe monogamy is just a myth and it actually does not exist. I'm not a cynic but a realist and if the stats of cheating are that high then why do we keep pushing monogamy, don't get me wrong I will bust someones windows if they cheated on me.

 "Science" says that women are naturally monogamous, however men are not. I say BS! Monogamy is a choice that men and women make. You can't tell me that just because you are a man you are not able to be faithful. We don't believe you, you need more people! In my opinion monogamy is a societal requirement because if it was natural for human beings to be monogamous then why do so many people cheat? Why is that in 7 out of 10 relationships that I have witnessed someone has cheated or has been cheated on? Why is it that each and everyone that is going to read this post would have been cheated on or have cheated? So the scientists say that it is natural for men to be promiscuous, I can bet that scientist was a man who wanted a poor excuse to cheat on his wife. I know a lot of women who have cheated or have contemplated cheating for various reasons because someones decision to cheat differs from one individual to the next.

As human beings if we are not content or satisfied with a particular area in our lives we try and change it and when it comes to relationships our eyes start to wonder. Morally and out of respect for your significant other you might not cheat but the thought will cross your mind. Some people choose to remain monogamous for different reasons and that is commendable because in remaining faithful you are saving someone from a lot 808 and heartbreak. Let's face it, if you are in a monogamous relationship and you have not cheated and do not intend on cheating on your significant other it's because you don't want to. It's got nothing to do with it not being in you, you might think that it's not in you because of your values and the way you were raised but ultimately it is your choice. If I have everything I want in a relationship and I am content I will not cheat, I choose not to because I do not need to. There is no point in risking losing someone for a cheap thrill but that's only because I will be choosing to remain monogamous.

A wise man once said that one of the reasons why a man might remain faithful to his wife is if what he has to lose is greater than the booty he's about to receive or if his beliefs go against being unfaithful. I'm not going to discuss the reasons why men cheat in this article because that's not what this post is about, its about all of us. I am not condoning cheating because I do not agree with the act, all I am saying is if you find yourself in a situation where you have been cheated on try and analyse the situation to see if it's worth forgiving and working things out because it might really just be a mistake or a moment of weakness. For those like myself who find it a bit challenging to forgive someone who would have cheated on me because every time I see them, I'll get a picture. You know the picture I'm talking about. That picture when you imagine them and the other person... yes, that picture. I honestly believe that when you get this picture it's involuntary because no one wants to see that! The problem with me is that I get a full length movie in my head, not a picture so I never have a choice but to let things go. If you also find yourself in a situation where you are tempted to cheat think about the heartbreak you might cause the other person and hopefully that might change your mind. As much as I believe that monogamy is a choice it's one of the greatest choices one can make because when you really love someone you do not want to see them hurt or if you are dating someone crazy they might just go Jazmine Sullivan on you.

The Race Issue

There have been so many things going on in the world hasn't there while I hibernated away from my blog? From Mark Duggan, the riots, Wayne Rooney getting hair plugs, Basketball Wives, work (I don't even want to get into that) the list is endless. I would love to get into all of these but I got a few things to say about something else; black women. Yes, us.

I recently came back from holiday with my girls. We went to some European destination to get some sun, sea and sand, perhaps a little holiday romance for some of my single friends. When we got there we were disappointed at the lack of black men. There were none. Well, there were like five but they don't really count because well... they don't. I was amazed however at my girlfriends' unwilliness to bend or at least consider the white man, myself included but I'm taken so I don't count. So it made me wonder; why is that black women are so uncompromising when it comes to dating another race?

Eve's swirling!

I love black men, don't get me wrong and I was one of those women who dated nothing but black men but if you really think about it we are limiting ourselves A LOT by waiting solely for them. In this day and age it's cool to be black and unfortunately for us black women every other race wants to be with a black man too. Of course there are those that would rather stick to their own race or date anything but a black man but the reality of the situation is there is a lot of jungle fever going on out there. Black men are not limiting themselves to us so why do we continue to limit ourselves to them? What we continue to do is throw shade at an interracial couple, not all of us because some have gotten used to seeing ebony and ivory look walking down Oxford Street.

Did I ever mention that I got cheated on with a white girl? He says she wasn't white but she looked hella white to me! Anyway, I'm over it. I am. Seriously. I'm over it. I don't know why I'm going on about it but its fine. Karma is a bitch anyway and he got his. *kanye shrug* 

If she ain't black, she's white

In other news, have you noticed how happy a black woman in an interracial relationship is? They always look happy, sound happy. Walking down the street looking all chirpy and happy. I'm not saying that black women are not happy with black men, they are. I have friends that are happily married, engaged or dating a black man. The point I'm trying to put across is that we can also find happiness in other races not just black. I have three aunts who are married to white men, they're happy and although we have this notion that there will be a culture barrier and they will not be able to understand how we do things etc but when someone is serious about you they will try and understand how your culture is and most of the time people are intrigued and want to learn more. He knows you are not white.

I do admire our hope and faith in our black men that we will find our knight in shining Armani but the statistics are not our side ladies. We currently have the highest rate of single women, this is not because we are loud, have high expectations, an attitude or any other stereotype thrown at us; it's because we have a shortage of good black men. It is a known fact that there are more women than men, also known fact that there is a shortage of good men, another fact is that there is a shortage of good black men. If every other race including us is going after black men and they are not going after the 'wasteman' they want the cream of the crop too, black men end up having a wider variety of who to choose from and unfortunately we're not always at the top of their list.

So I say to you my fellow black women, let us love our men and let us also venture out to see what else is out there. A man is a man and a black man is a man with a strong tan, he's blessed (not all of them), and gosh he is just beautiful. Then again so is Channing Tatum, Paul Walker, Wentworth Miller and Hrithik Roshan. Just saying.

12 Reasons Why Men Cheat?

I got inspired to write this after watching Man and Wife on youtube and also reading Steve Harvey's Act like a lady, think like a man. So I did a bit more research and visited my frequent male authored blogs vsb, blackgrilsareeasy and brotherswithnogame and compiled a list.

A few people had asked me to do a post on 'Signs that he's cheating' but I don't need to do that because its plain and simple. Use your intuition. We were blessed with something men weren't. When something is wrong we feel it so follow that feeling. If you think your man is cheating he probably is so when that time comes get your detective hat on and do some investigating. I might just do a post on this after all.

Anyway, Steve Harvey's book is a must have for every woman and most hated book by most men because Steve really goes in on them!

I think this is one question that gets us women all riled up and confused because really it doesn't make sense because if he loves and caers about you why on earth would he cheat? What I learnt is that men are simple. So simple they're complicated because us (women) are complicated creatures therefore we over think things. So what I'm going to do is combine the reasons I've got from my research and add a bit of explanation to it. Remember, don't over think it. It is as it is. Men are simple. End of.

1. Because they can.

First and foremost this is the one reason that makes me wanna get a mack 10, sniper rifle, shot gun every kind of weapon you can think and eliminate all men (apart from my daddy he's perfect) is this reason. "What the f- d'you mean because they can?" Yep, that was my exact reaction. Because they can??? Who gave them the right to cheat? Who told them they can go out and cheat on us women, cause heartbreak and what have you?The answer is simple. There's nothing you or I can do if your man wants to cheat on you. Nothing. Confiscate his phone, get his passwords, put a damn tracker on his car but if that man wants to cheat, he will.
Ok, let's calm down before we move on cos I'm getting a bit mad myself over here.
*yoga instructor voice* breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Gooood.

Ready? Let's move on.

2. He's bored and wants excitement

Relationships get boring sometimes, let's face it. After being with someone for a long time you're not as excited to be with them as you were in the beginning. Its not your fault, its human nature *tell them that it's human nature.*
Anyway, I think this one applies to both men and women because we get bored too and stray because we want excitement but this is not about us, its about them!
I don't think I need to elaborate too much on this one, its pretty self-explanatory.

3. You ain't doing it like you used to

When you first got together you were swinging from chandeliers, wearing 6 inch heels, frequenting Ann Summers to buy sexy thangs but now he'll be lucky if he gets a kiss. You just want to get it done and over with. You're wearing your headscarf as soon as you get in, wearing that big ol' t-shirt you got in that 2005 goodie bag when you went to that festival. Your razor is rusting because you haven't shaved your legs, arms or bikini line since last summer and you smell of food and baby sick and he'll be lucky if he gets it in at least once a week.
We can't blame it all on the fellas.

4. Long distance relationship

Hoping not to hit a nerve with this one but its the truth. Couples who live far from each other and have a long distance relationship are likely to cheat because they need (that's what they say, they need) that physical touch. To men bussing a nut is not the same as a woman bussing a nut. There are very few women who can have sex with a guy and walk away without catching feelings, very few but guys can. The man in question can go from having sex with a random woman then go and skype his girlfriend like it never happened because a man's feelings and his penis are two separate beings. They're not associated. They both have a mind of their own. So if a couple is in a long distance relationship, the guy having sex with a random broad doesn't mean he doesn't love or care about her, he just needed a hit. Simples.

5. She tripped and fell on his d***

I'm yet to see a guy who will walk away from a butt naked woman standing in front of him and offering it to him on a platter. I didn't say they're not out there, I just said I'm yet to meet him. So if he's out there, I'd like to meet him and see which woman he xlaims to have turned down.

6. He's not ready for commitment

Now this guy probably has your best interests at heart and when getting into a relationship with you he probably doesn't realise that somewhere down the line he's gonna want to spread his wings and fly fly fly! If a man is not ready for commitment i.e to settle down, he's most probably going to cheat on you. An inexperienced man also falls in this bracket. I'm not saying that he's inexperienced as in he doesn't know what he's doing but what I mean is that if he hasn't had the opportunity to do what "guys do" somewhere down the line he's probably gonna want to. If he hasn't got it out of his system and said "Man, I'm tired of this. I'm ready to settle down" he's probably going to cheat because he's yet to experience all that, this also explains mid-life crisis, men who got married too young etc because these people will feel like they haven't lived their lives and human beings are selfish, they always look out for number one.

7. Other women

Don't get me started on this one. Oooh, this one gets me so mad it makes me wanna cut a bitch. My guess is you probably found out about my blog on facebook. Now look on your newsfeed, one of them bitches will probably sleep with your man. I call them bitches because anyone willing to sleep with someone else's man knowingly deserves to be called a bitch. If that's you, yes you're a bitch because you caused some woman some serious heartache. You made some woman lose sleep, appetite and all that shit that comes with being cheated. Hell, you probably made her lose her self esteem so yes, you are a bitch and I'll say it to your face too!
To all my good, moral having, self confident women; one of the reasons why men cheat is because women allow them to. They know he's got a woman at home and they don't care because they want him. This doesn't apply to those women who were lied to that the guy was single when he really wasn't. It's not their fault. He lied but those Alicia Keys' broads or mistresses, side chicks, jump offs whatever they wanna call themselves they are one of the main reasons why men cheat. Full stop.

8. You've forgiven him before

Good for you if you forgave your man for once cheating on you. With this point, not all men will repeat this if they truly learned their lesson and were truly remorseful. Sometimes it takes almost losing someone to understand and appreciate what you have and for some this is what it took and he will not cheat on you again because he knows what he felt and went through emotionally when he almost lost you.
But then there are those that feel because you forgave them, you'll forgive him again. Most common with men who'd have cheated more than once before and you forgave them. He's cheated on you, what three times now and all it takes is a bit of sweet talking, flowers and dinner to make you forgive him? He always tells you that he's never going to do it again and that he loves you and never meant to hurt you doesn't he? If that's so, why does he keep doing it?
Forgiving someone who has once cheated is a risk because they might do it again and you'll end up looking like a fool or they might not. Personal choice. Think smart. Do you.

9. She was there before you came along

Now this is an oldie but a goodie. There are some chicks who will always be the side chick. It's got nothing to do with you, you can be perfect and all of that but she's his side chick. That's the girl who helps your man out when you're mad at him. She's the one that helped him get along during courting days when you were holding on to your three month rule. Side chick will only get fired when he decides that he's done with her and cheating and just wants you because even if she has a man, the side chick is loyal to your man because they go way back. They have an understanding. She'll never call when you're around, send him raunchy sexts you might find because she knows her place. Hell, if he's brave enough he might just introduce you to her as his good friend just so that you don't get paranoid when she calls or he goes to her house. They're buddies remember, he told you about her!

10. You're boring as hell in bed

I mean c'mon do I really have to elaborate on this one? No one wants to make love to a corpse, move a little or that girl doing the stanky legg will be stanking on your man. Just saying.

11. They think they can get away with it

Men are not as dumb as they seem but they're not as smart as they think they are either. A man will not cheat on you if he thinks he's going to get caught. That'll be stupid and that means he's stupid and you don't want be with him anyway. Or he probably doesn't respect you so he doesn't care whether you find out or not but a man who actually cares about you will make sure that you have no chance of finding out if he's going to cheat on you.
Why would he cheat if he cares about you? Go back to the top and start reading again.
Basically if your man is feeling all of the above or none of the above he might cheat on you if the situation arises. For example if he goes to Beijing for work (I don't know why beijing, just go along with it) he's over there for two weeks and you're back at home taking care of the house and what have you. He's a man, he's horny and there are women around him ("$5 sucky sucky?" Nah, I'm kidding.) He might pay for it, he might pick it up in a bar or he might find it on the internet. Either way if he's going to cheat on you, how will you find out?

12. He's got a Facebook or Twitter account

There's a reason why Facebook is one of the leading reasons why people are divorcing. Its not because they're playing farmville or mafia wars. No no. Its because he's chatting to that girl he's mutual friends with his friend's friend. See my post on 'How Facebook stays ruining relationships.' This new age technology is a blessing and a curse. People are fighting, breaking up over this stuff and unfortunately there's so much temptation out there in the cyber world and men are going crazy. Have you seen someone's profile who has 1443 friends and wonder how since they're not famous but after looking at her pictures on Facebook and Twitter you understand? New age weakness. Smh.

I know there are loads more I've missed out, feel free to help a sister out. If it was up to me, it'll be abstinence for all!!! Later AVGB people!

What Women Need To Look For In A Man (from a guy's pov)

Editor note: So I got into this very "intellectual" conversation with my cousin's significant other on Facebook and to my surprise he has a hidden talent in blogging because he sent me the below post with no intention of being a blogger but just an insight into his mind and i loved it so i decided to share it with my ladies because who knows men better than a man himself?

This is not a generalization, it’s merely what I think my sister should look for in a guy. I wouldn’t say I am an expect in relationships neither am I vain enough to write about my personal attributes but we have all had our fair share of experiences so I decided to be as objective as possible.
It’s 12:30 pm and I am sitting in the office, just had a conversation with my girlfriend over the phone and it got me thinking as to why and if she would cheat on me? I mean we are human and anything is possible but then again the term human has been subjected intolerable behaviour being accepted under the notion I am not perfect I am only human! Of which I strongly disagree with merely because if you are human you should have the decency to respect other humans… I mean isn't that what being human is about?

Nonetheless, I wrote a list as to what could be the reasons she would cheat on me and instead of dwelling on why she would cheat… I focused on the positives why she would not cheat? Like I said am not an expert in relationships nor have I the slightest idea of what women want but I am far from timid and hence took the approach of “I would like my sister, to find this” I feel this approach would be more objective! (lol, he's so funny!)

There are no set rules to relationships as to how they work and how to make them work as each relationship is different; having a manual will be a waste of time but a guideline is easier to keep us on the right track. I have been made to watch a lot of Tyler Perry movies *side eye* and when I look at his films I really have to break it down into two parts: Tyler Perry the writer and Tyler Perry the producer. His writing relies mostly on stock characters, stereotypes and plot lines you can predict from a mile away and fortunately Perry has managed to work the system to his benefit, but unlike Perry I will not prey on how to spot the bad things in a relationship but give you 10 things to focus on and look out for.

How to know you have a good man:
If he has the following (but remember the best machines are fine tuned):

1. Humor

A guy who is able to laugh at himself and with you goes a long way as insignificant as you may think it is, it is imperative. The lack of humor in a relationship automatically creates a character change in one of the people in the relationship. And be honest everyone enjoys a good laugh it makes the thought of love easier.

2. Common ground

Opposites may attract but they don’t stick…lol! Truth is finding common ground is difficult but there should be stuff both of you love doing don’t get me wrong differences are good I mean they help us grow, learn and accept but remember “Polar opposites Possible disaster”

3. Communication

Comfortable silence, this is an art one can master only and when you know your partner and personally I give it about 5 yrs to achieve, if your relationship is less than 5yrs then you need to TALK… about anything or at least give an explanation as to why you're moody or sulking. This causes a lot of contemplating in a relationship and conclusions are quickly reached without a solid base which could be potential disaster i.e. starting an argument with an already irritate person, not wise.

4. Literacy

Yes, I am saying don’t date a stupid brother! Look at it this way, a man who can string together two coherent sentences is more likely to be able to converse intelligently or be able to converse at all. Be able to hold a job. Make a good impression on your parents and your friends.

5. Willingness to be corrected or take directions

This is a difficult one for most men but it says a lot as in it shows you whether or not you have a man who listens and gives your suggestions a try. Okay...how about pretend to seriously consider them?

6. Patience

A man who can wait for you no matter how late you are for dinner but still compliment. However don’t take the piss woman!

7. A man who is there

This is said in the most literal sense and it’s sad that in most relationships one only notices when it’s too late how “he” was always there when needed. This is a fundamental aspect as this is the reason why we are in relationships so as to never look for someone but to trust that we have a solider by our side every time.

8. Goal Driven

I'm so ambitious now but be very careful about misinterpreting this attribute. There is a man who dreams and goes to sleep! And then there is a man who actually tries and is a go getter. That's the man you're looking for. (refer to my post for 'signs you're dealing with a wasteman.')

9. Kind, Helpful, and Generous

He doesn't need to be rich. He doesn't even need to be flush (although remembering to is always a plus). But the willingness to share, help and be genuinely open with everybody that he interacts with.

10. Accountability

This goes along with loyalty, honesty, fidelity and respect. He needs to be accountable to the people in his life. This includes his children, his and your friends and especially you. He needs to be accountable to them.

So what d'you think ladies have I found myself a male opinion writer to all our problems and troubles? Was he right or did he just chat alot of bull?

How Facebook Stays Ruining Relationships

Oh, how I miss the good ol' days when all we had were house phones and letters. If you wanted to talk to someone you would call their house phone or if they didn't have a phone you'd write them a letter. Oh, how I miss the good ol' days!
These days we have email, texts, mobile phones, MSN, BBM, Facebook the list is endless...I've sat down many times trying to figure out why Facebook has differed itself from face-pic, hi5, myspace even though all these social networking sites had their similarities; I cannot comprehend how Facebook has managed to destroy 1 in 5 relationships.

The below mentioned reasons are just a few as to why many relationship are suffering because of Mark Zuckerberg. Being on Facebook is like having a side-piece your potential boyfriend/girlfriend is aware of them but is cool with because you're not official yet. The best decision is once you get into a relationship is to cut them off because they will ruin your relationship.

1. Attention whores

Facebook and Twitter have now been bombarded by these attention whores (not limited to women) who pose half naked on their profile pics showing their titties and asses. Who cares? A man does. Bottom line, a man is a man and when a half naked female requests him to be his friend chances are his probably going to accept the request. Something that's not amusing to the girlfriend. Salt is added to the wound when we find out that you don't even know this girl, you just have a mutual friend so you felt you had to add her. No, that's not how it works, think about how your significant other would feel seeing that on your profile. Use your head!

2. Wall posts and comments

The infamous Facebook wall. Soooo much damage can be done when someone posts on your wall or comments on your status or picture. Private jokes that you shared and sexual innuendos are unacceptable because as humans we tend to be jealous, without even trying. Granted, you can not control what people write on your wall but what you say to the comment or do not say is what might get you into trouble. We can't help it if a girl writes 'hi papi, miss you' and we feel like choking her better yet, choking you for replying 'you joker, miss you  too!' She might be Latina but she surely don't look Latina to me! Why is she calling you by a pet name and why is she missing you?

Isn't it normal to miss your friends anymore? Not on Facebook it's not!

3. Relationship Status

I can't think of how many arguments I have witnessed over relationship statuses.

The conversation might go a little like this:

"Why is your status still saying single?"

"Why have you not accepted my relationship request?"

"Why is there nothing on your relationship status?"

"Why did you remove your relationship status or changed it to single? Are you single? Is there something you're not telling me? Who's that ho you added yesterday? Is that why you removed your relationship status?"

Too many arguments have taken place regarding this issue. To those who do not understand why this is a big deal. Let me break it down for you.

4. The Ex Invasion

The unwritten rules of Facebook whilst in a relationship go like this:
i) Once you are in a new relationship you must delete your ex from your friends.
Now, I understand that some people are cool with their exes and if your new girlfriend/boyfriend is fine with you having them as your friend while they write up and down your wall. Comment every time you post a new profile picture or poke you every now and then, then cool. Do your thing. To the rest of us, your ex is an enemy. We do not appreciate any friendly contact between you and them.  I don't care what you think! *Kanye shrug*
ii) Photos of you two together
We know you used to be together. We have accepted it and put it at the back of our minds. However, one of those days when I'm bored i might want to go through your Facebook pictures and the last thing I want to see is pictures of you and your ex. It is the same as having her picture in your living room or bedroom wall.

5. 500 friends and 450 of them are of the opposite sex

It's a social network right? So technically adding people is part of networking, you never know who knows who and how they can be helpful to you in the future. Right? No. This clause is also in the attention whores family because what are you doing adding people you don't know every single day and all of them just happened to be of the opposite sex. Because adding people of the same sex would be suspect, right? *Rolling my eyes*
If you are a woman/man in a committed relationship the last thing you should be prioritising is adding half naked men or women onto your profile especially if you don't know them because your intentions will become unclear to your significant other no matter how innocent you think it is. It doesn't look that way.

6. 'Like'-ing the wrong page

When you're in the a relationship the last page you should 'like' is Can't stop thinking about my ex. There are many funny pages on Facebook to like but always be conscience of which pages you like because they might send the wrong message.

7. Getting 'tagged' in the wrong picture at the wrong place and time

Perhaps you had told your s/o that you were just gonna stay in and watch football. I'm not much a footie fan so I wouldn't know that kick off time for football on Saturday is 12.45 and 3pm so I'd believe you. Come Sunday and I log onto Facebook and who do I see tagged? Your ass, acting a fool popping champagne in the club, hugged up with 2 girls. Not a good look.

8. Deleting your significant other's tag/comment

Take about slap in the face! hypothetically, if I tag my significant other in my photo because we look cute or I write a lovey-dovey message on his wall and he happened to delete it. WTF?! Are you having a laugh? I'd love to hear the reason for this one because there is nothing that will make your significant other feel like the sticky s**t underneath your shoe if you delete something they tagged you in or a comment they'd have posted for you because that's just rude.

9. Getting cropped out of the picture

Cropping someone out of your profile picture is not so much of a big deal because it is your profile so you don't have any obligation to put someone else on it but if you tend to crop your girlfriend/boyfriend out of every picture posted they might think you are trying to hide them and its not very nice is it especially when all your other friends are in your pictures but them.

10. Facebook Chat and Inbox

This is for those who are unfortute enough to have shared their Facebook password with their partners or just dumb enough not to log out of their account after using it and then get caught out with incriminating messages either to your friends or to someone you know you should not be talking to. Make it a habit to log off when you have finished using your Facebook account


Of course there's only one way to avoid all these problems occuring in your relationship, be honest with each other and if you know that your account attracts the opposite sex like moth to a flame, deactivate your account and have a peaceful life. Seriously.

So good people of AVG Blog are there any other reasons why Facebook has ruined relationships? Perhaps yours or a "friend's" and would like to share.