Eight things I learnt about myself in 2013

Eight things I learnt about myself in 2013

I was never one of those people to say that “this year is my year” I usually give those people a blank stare because who are you trying to convince? 2012 was an amazing year for me and I knew that 2013 was not going to be better and it hasn't. But 2013 has been good to me because instead of having fun like I did in 2012; it is the year I have learnt the most about myself. I left my job and started my own company which takes me to the most important lesson for this year:


1. Fear truly is False Evidence Appearing Real

For years I was crippled with fear of failing that I could not leave my comfortable job and salary to start my own business. I enjoy the luxuries of life, travelling eating in fancy restaurants, buying whatever I want whenever I want. I enjoyed that life but I hated working for someone else. For every hour I put in at work they got thousands and I peanuts; it wasn't fair. So I looked into my Daddy handbook where he used to ask me if the people at the top ate magic portions for dinner or shit glitter and no, their shit stinks just as much as mine does so if they can do it I can do it too! So I handed in my notice and became unemployed while preparing for my launch.

2. We are growing up
I can hear you saying “well, duh!” you’d think turning 25 last year would have been a hint but no, in my mind I was forever young. The fact that we are growing up hit me when my sister from another mister got married on New Year’s Eve. Whilst making the wedding preparations, flying half way across the world for the wedding I was still OK until I saw her making those vows. Wow, she was really going to be somebody’s wife. Left right and centre people were getting engaged and married; having kids and moving in together. Are we there already? Are we at that age where we are making life time commitments? I didn't panic as I expected of myself, I embraced it. We are growing up. They call me ma’am now. Gosh.

3. Heart break doesn't last forever
Whether it takes you a week, month, year or a few years you will get over it. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It will sting and it will hurt like crazy but that pain is temporary. I now agree with the saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all because the love I had was worth it. It wasn't worth the pain, no no; but loving someone was and is still one of the greatest gifts you can give.

4. I want to get married
I know, shocked me too! The problem with marriage and the reason why I don’t think I will get married is because I am very sceptical at the fact that I will meet someone who shares the same values as I; that when we get into it we are in it for life. Divorce is not an option so we will try and keep each other happy, do right by each other no ifs or buts. It seems easy to find but if that was true why are so many relationships breaking down? Let’s look at the facts; 40% of marriages are failing and I will rather be in the % that doesn't get married instead of being divorced. If or when you hear that I am getting married believe that man would have done some ju-ju or be a monster between the sheets! I kid, I kid! He has to be an amazing man and they are a rare breed. 

5. Travelling is never a waste of money
I seldom go shopping. To be honest I only shop out of necessity; for me spending money on fancy clothes, shoes or bags is a waste of money. I would rather put that money in a plane ticket. If I invested the money I spent on travelling on shopping I would have a few pairs on red bottoms but every time I looked at them I would see where I could have potentially gone. Learning about other people’s cultures, eating their food, seeing the greatest wonders of the world and changing your scenery even if it’s for one day is more valuable to your soul than any material possession. The joy I felt in my heart standing in front of the Mona Lisa or the statue of David, forgetting my fear of heights as I climbed up the Leaning Tower of Pisa; the sense of freedom in walking down the well-lit cobbled streets of Florence eating a gelato.

6. I cannot do “grey areas”

I got a bit excited and even wrote about this because I wanted the grey area. I did not want a relationship and I didn't want FWB either, I wanted the in between; the grey area and I got it. Great right? No, I went and caught feelings. I denied them away until I couldn't. I should have known because I am so prone to catching feelings that it was bound to happen especially if the person in question is lovely and charismatic and all that crap. So, here I am with my tail in between my legs putting it on record that I cannot handle grey areas or FWB because I'm sure I’ll catch feelings there too! I’ll stick with what I know and what I'm comfortable with.

7. I work voluntarily for the parking police
Where I live I have to parallel park and after 10 pm there is hardly any parking left. I have cancelled plans because I did not want to come back and find my parking space gone. But what really grinds my gears is when there is little to no parking and you have one dickhead who has parked his car in between two spaces. Wtf is your problem? I have written a few notes, yes I have and those who have received these kind hearted notes have learnt how to park properly but every now and then I see a car presumably a visitor because it will be unfamiliar and they have left a good metre of space at the front and behind them only a Smart car can fit and I don’t drive a smart car! So now I have to waste my time and fuel; which is not cheap by the way, circling the roads looking for a parking space because of your selfish ass! *breathe*

8. Your past doesn't define who you are
Seems a bit obvious but the reality is that we judge people so much based on what they have done in the past. I got served a full platter of this and had no choice but to get to know people as individuals instead of writing them off based on what they have done because let’s face it; none of us are perfect or even close to. The most important thing is that if you were wrong you accept that you were wrong and try and become a better person. Who are we to judge?

Let's see what awaits us in 2014. More weddings (not me), babies (not mine) and hopefully happiness (definitely me!)

10 Things I Have Learnt About Men

Few little lessons I learnt about the opposite sex. I am no expert on men, believe me and I have spent countless minutes (I refuse to say hours) giving my male friends the Spanish inquisition on their thought process because I just don’t get them. Of all the men I asked anything they all told me that men were simple. No they aren't. They say one thing but mean another; that hardly qualifies as simple. At least with us ladies we know ourselves, we understand that what we liked yesterday is not what we like today. We also know that our moods change at the drop of a hat for no reason at all; understanding that is what I call SIMPLICITY.

1. If a man wants you he will let you know
If you forget anything and everything I am going to write remember this: if a man wants you he will chase you. Men hardly ever play hard to get. I would have said never but there’s always an exception to the rule. Men are born hunters; they hunt for their “prey.” When have you ever seen a zebra chasing after the leopard saying “eat me, eat me?” That’s what some of you ladies are saying and not in the other sense *wink wink*. If you want to see if a guy wants you, sit back, relax and wait.You don’t even need to ask him where this is going, what you are because if he wants you to be his woman, he would let you know. If you want to wait until you get grey hairs and cob webs then shoot, do you boo but if he’s not calling it’s probably because he doesn't want to.

2. When he says “he’s not looking for a relationship right now”

He means it. No ifs or buts. He means it. This can mean two things however. When a guy says that he’s not looking for a relationship it either means he’s genuinely not looking for a relationship or he’s not looking for a relationship with you. Either way there is nothing you can do to change his mind because he doesn't want to be with you.

“But if I keep giving him some…”

“Or if I cook, clean, massage and put it on him good he will change his mind”

No girl, he won’t. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but you cannot change his mind for him because you have already shown him who you are and he still don’t want to cuff you so sex will certainly not do it. He will feed you hope though and it’s up to you to spit or swallow.

.

3. Women control sex, men control relationships

I hate this. Life shouldn't be about who controls what but this is true. Women are notoriously known for holding sex ransom in order to “control” a man. A woman determines when they have sex, if she’s upset them legs are staying closed, some even use it to manipulate. Unfortunately men get their leverage from knowing this and play her game with her to get what they want. Men know that women have some kind of comfort from being in a relationship thus holding the title hostage. As long as a man keeps dangling the carrot in front of a blind woman, taking her out, acting a little jealous and possessive because women love that shit she will continue to lose leverage as she parts her thighs for his delight. Some Girls think that sex will get him to commit and men think that feeding her hope will ensure his supply is not going to get cut off. Sooner or later one party is going to get fed up and that’s when I grab my popcorn and watch.

4.

 . Men have feelings too

Sounds silly right but growing up I honestly thought that men didn't have feelings. They never showed them. My brother never cried all he did was tease me about crying. I never saw a man depict emotion until I was in my teen and Kano released “Boys love girls” and in one of the lyrics he has “he has feelings.” This was my eureka moment. I was like *gasp* men have feelings? So why do they act so dickheadish? Because they are men, they have been programmed to think that emotions make them weak but “apparently” they have feelings too, they might not cry or scream (well some do) but they feel stuff we do.

5.

    Men are experts at feeding women hope

If hope was the Red Cross we would have eradicated poverty by now because men give it out like dollar bills at a titty bar. I understand why men feed women hope because honestly if men were honest that they only wanted to have sex with us their supply would get cut off so quickly if you blink you’d have missed it. So instead they say things like:

“I just need to do this first then we can make it official.”

“Not right now but as soon as…”

“I'm just staying for the kids as soon as they turn 18 I'm leaving her”

“I really want to be with you it’s just…”

Just what? If a man wants to be with you there will be no excuses. He will make himself ready because he doesn't want another man to snatch you up while he sorts this and that out.

        

6. You cannot escape the box he has put you in

This kind of relates to Number 3, I think ultimately we all have this right to establish and put people in the boxes we want to put them in. Women we are infamous for putting men in the friend-zone but guys do this too. If a man sees you as a “friend” “link” "jump off" “side chick” “girlfriend” “wife” it is harder to escape that box than it is to escape Guatemala prison. A man who has been put in the friend-zone sees you as something else will wait until the right time to make his move. He will never be content being “just friends.” Similarly if a man sees you as pussy upgrading yourself to girlfriend or wife position will be something you need to write a book about because I'm sure there are a lot of women who would want to know how you managed that. Getting pregnant doesn't work either; all you will become is his baby momma that he can get sex from whenever he wants. Keep in mind that because men are hope givers they might upgrade you to girlfriend status because they want to keep their supply of regular sex but that’s where it ends.

7. Not all men cheat

A man is as faithful as his options. He can stop chasing other women. I have love and respect for the small percentage of men that does choose to be faithful because I understand that it takes a lot of discipline. For women it’s easier because when we absolutely love and are happy with a man we will say no to any advances and not think twice about it. A man will sleep with another woman at the drop of a hat but this is not to say that he doesn't love his woman. Sex and love are two completely unrelated things. So for those men that choose to fidelity for whatever reason you give women hope.

8. Just because he sleeps around doesn't mean he doesn't love you

You are not supposed to find out, first of all and the heart and the penis are two separate beings. I do not doubt a man’s love when he cheats on his spouse but I do question his integrity and respect for this woman he claims to love. I understand that the physical act of sex is not the same as the emotion of loving someone but is love not supposed to protect? Somewhere along the line we lost the real value of what it is to love someone. It is not just a warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you think or see them it is a responsibility. It is taking care of that person, making sure they are not hurt or harmed so when you are the one pulling the trigger how can a woman not question if your love is real because you are the one causing the pain instead of shielding it?

9. Men lie

I don’t know why they do it but they do. Whilst writing this I asked a few men why they lied and they all gave me bullshit answers. I'm not sure if there is some kind of secret society which they all belong to that bars them from telling us why they lie but I did not get a satisfying answer. Answers ranged from women overreact if told the truth, lying is easier (what?), it just comes out, they’re scared of the reaction and we cannot handle the truth. Of course we can, just don’t do stupid things which might get a reaction of you getting smacked upside the head! It’s really that simple.

10. Men love compliments

I am convinced that men like compliments and flattery more than women do. They say that the best way to get a man to do anything, well most things is by stroking his ego. Men want to feel needed and strong. Praise him, appreciate him. He wants to feel like without him you wouldn't have been able to do this yourself and he’s “saving his damsel in distress.” I was telling one of my male friends the other day that sometimes I just cannot be bothered to do some things like open a can of beans, put fuel in so I cater to the man’s ego,

“You always get it right on £.00; when I put fuel in it always goes over, will you do it for me please” *insert smile*

“Wow, you’re so strong.”

“You’re really good at that.”

“Nice car” we all know about boys and their toys.

“He’s so handsome,” when he’s within earshot but not to him.

Men love compliments and having their egos stroked so next time you know what to do when you want something from them.

Now you know what I know. I'm still trying to cover some more and as soon as I find out,I'll be back with part two.

10 Ways To Break Your Happy Home

No one ever wants to be the bad guy that breaks someone’s heart apart from me. I don’t mind. I will tell you to your face that it’s you not me! I’m lying; I’d rather avoid you like the plague or act like an ass until you ask me what’s wrong. So if you are like me and you want the other person to break up with you and you don’t mind leaving as the douchebag then you need to read this.

 

1. Lie! Lie! Lie!

If there was ever a better way to break up your relationship this is a sure way to do it. This works quicker than any other method tried and tested. Lie about what, you ask. Anything.

“Babe where were you last night?”

“At Bob’s house.”

“But Bob is in Marbella…”

“I was house sitting his fish.”

Lie about any damn thing and when you get caught out on your lies, lie some more. You have to stand your ground. Lie so much that your lies start to become ridiculous and you begin to look pathetic. No better excuse to leave someone when you cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouth.

 

2. Cheat

This one is a tricky one because if you cheat and act remorseful you might actually get forgiven which then means you’re gonna stay in your relationship which we don’t want but if you cheat and also do number 1 then you will be on your way out. To get a 99% success rate in getting out of your relationship with your method you have to put them in a position where they are forced to leave you even if they didn’t want to. Pay close attention. If you are going to cheat make sure you are obvious about it because you want to get caught. Have an empty condom wrapper in your jeans, leave the room when your phone rings, have someone tag you in a picture with them in a compromising situation on a social networking site. When they ask you about it they are secretly hoping for you to lie but what do you do? You tell the truth. Don’t even say sorry. Just say yes *Kanye shrug* go back to playing GTA V. Other method to this will be to cheat with as many people as you can, the more the better and when you get caught say it wasn’t you. See, you’re a liar and a cheat. Perfect!

 

3. Act jealous and possessive

If you find that cheating and lying are not really your things, maybe because you don’t want to come out of the relationship being labelled a douche bag or asshole; try this one for size. Take tips from Angela in Why did I get married? Question each and every single they make. Make sure all your calls are answered; texts are replied immediately and when they aren’t demand an answer as to why. Who were they with? Are they cheating on you? You saw how that guy/girl was looking at them. They are sleeping with them aren’t they? Then smash a few things, tears and screaming wouldn’t hurt either. No matter what they tell you; you will not believe them and make sure they know you don’t believe them!

 

4. Put them down

Criticise them. Every little thing they do, tell them they aren’t shit. 

When they cough,“Why you gotta cough like that?”

“Why you gotta chew with your mouth open?”

“Why you gotta make me cum so hard?”

There’s really no pleasing some people. The problem with this one though is that instead of breaking up your relationship you might actually make them want you more. It’s a mind fuck. The more you put them down the more they will want acceptance from you so they will try harder. Kinda like treat them mean to keep them keen but this only works for people with Kanye syndrome (people who think they’re the shit) so tread carefully.

 

.

5. Man or mouse

This is for the guys. Women love men. Well, some women love men. Other women lovewomen. It’s the world that we’re living in but if you have a heterosexual woman and you don’t want to be with her anymore then act like Drake. Be that Drake sort of dude. Be emotional, cry during an NSPCC or RSPCA advert. Let her wear the trousers. Let her make all the decisions, let her speak for you. Be so weak and docile that if a fight was to breakout let her fight your battles for you while you scream “baby, no!” after that fight she’s going to look at you with sadness and disappointment in her eyes, shake her head and it’ll be game over. You officially succeeded in not being man enough for her. You didn’t really want her anyway!

 

6.

6. Forget about their existence

Do you. Just act like they don’t exist. You don’t do this on purpose of course, you just forget about them. When they call you, talk to them. When they text you text back, you just never initiate communication because you forget about them as soon as they leave.Out of sight out of mind. Do you ask them how their day was? No, because you don’t care. Whatever they do don’t act interested, they’ll get the idea soon. Hopefully. When they start rambling on close your eyes, tilt your head back and make snoring noises. They bore the fuck out of you! Once in a while during their monologue; smile at them and say “you still talking?” That’ll shut them up and they probably won’t want to tell you anything after that which works well for you because you were not interested in the first place!

 

7.

7. Bros before hoes!

I agree with this statement, my girls come first before any hoe. Assuming that hoes in this case is a man with no substance to me. If it’s my man though, my boo-ski, the one kidsrefer to these days as “him” my girls understand that he comes first because he will be doing some thangs that they ain’t. Things like cuddles and paying for my Brazilian hair (I kid) unless of course I’m getting ready to give him his P45 then my girls will be put before him. So if you’re thinking of getting rid of your beau make sure that you put your friendsfirst. If he wants to make plans with you tell him that you need to check with your girls first and you’ll let him know. Cancel last minute because your girls want to go to AfrobeatsSunday. This works both ways, guys too. Put your friends before her.

Tip: when having a debate/discussion make sure you say “well my friends say” or “my friends think” this is guaranteed to piss anyone off!

 

8.

8. Fuck bitches, get money!

There really are some messed up individuals in this world aren’t they? Since when did money have the same effect on humans as love? If you want to be lying in bed alone during cuffing season with your “hun’eds” keeping you warm; put it first. They say you never lose women chasing money, well that’s a lie. Women like attention and when you start paying more attention to work, your hustle and we are left feeling neglected we are going to bounce. Get me wrong; chase that paper, get that money but you need to learn to balanceand prioritise. There is money making time and there’s spousal quality time. You can’t come home after a long day at work and go on your Blackberry or laptop to work some more, stop for a minute and smell the roses. If you over prioritise one over the other one is going to suffer. Balance is key but hey, why do you care you trying to get rid of your spouse anyway right?

 

9. Be Wasteman/Wastegyal

Don’t be about shit! You just sit there and scratch your balls all day while your spouse goes out and works their ass off. Would one really go to the extent of doing this just to break a happy home? Only subconsciously, I hope. The only thing worse than someone with no ambition is a lazy dreamer. I wish is your favourite song by R.Kelly because all you do is say you wish, you have big dreams but you still do nothing about it. You are not making any steps towards that big goal you have in your head because you are just lazy. You lie in bed while they wake up at 6 am to go to work and when they come back you’re still in the same position they left you in watching Basketball Wives or playing COD eating all the food in the house. Then you have the cheek to ask them for money so you can go out with your friends! Good job!

 

10.

10. Stuck on your ex

Begin every sentence with “well my ex used to…” do you know what you’re going to get? “Well go and be with your ex then!” it really is that simple. Technically you are not doing anything wrong because your ex really used to do it this way and because we are trying to piss this person off so much the last thing they want to hear is about your ex so you’re onyour way to getting rid of them! Throw some comparisons in there, some praises too of your ex of course. This one will work brilliantly with number 4.

 

See, it’s not that hard to get rid of someone is it? Just follow my tips and you will be on your way to being the world’s biggest douchebag but at least you will be home free! All by yourself, just how you like it. If you want to know what NOT to do to break your happy home then use this guide as things not to do. I hope that works better because I don’t want to think that I contributed to creating assholes and breaking hearts!!!

To Marry or Not To Marry

Everyone around me seems to be getting married or engaged; I’m just getting more awesome! No, I really am.

I found out the other day that someone that knows someone that knows someone that I know got married after 5 months of dating. That is good for them but I was sceptical. Do you really know someone well enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them after just five months? In my opinion that’s the honeymoon period, the period where you blog about this man saying he’s perfect; you’re seeing them through rose tinted glasses *ahem, coughs* 10 Signs That I Like You *coughs* so it’s really hard to tell if you can live with this person for the rest of your life or if you’re just infatuated. Is it possible to be in love after five months or is that infatuation?

I have fallen in infatuation quite a few times, I have, yeah. I'm not ashamed, I'm a sucker for love dammit and I will stand there and say yes I have been infatuated but love? Only once but does this make me cynical to the fact that if you get married too soon you’ll be marrying blindly? Hell no! I think that when you are dating someone within the first few months you can see part of their character, you can assess if their personal traits, characteristics, beliefs are something that you can live with for the rest of your life but not everything comes out within that time and because of infatuation you don’t realise how much some of those traits will annoy you a year or two down the line unless you are spending every day together then the honeymoon has a shorter life-span.

Is it an age thing that makes people panic and marry sooner than they previously would have had they been younger. I am talking about when you are dating in your early twenties; many of these tend to go on for about three/four years but had you been married you probably could have stretched it a bit longer. Which makes me think; does the absence of marriage allow relationships to break easily?  If I had gotten married to my first love when I was 18 would we have broken up two years later? Or because we would have been in it for the long haul we would have been more enduring and willing to work through our problems?

At 26, I have met men who I have seen some husband qualities in and thought of them as potential husbands but had they asked me to marry them would I have said yes? The love junkie in me wouldn't have allowed me because I can only marry if I'm in love. Look at it this way, I have only been in love once and that’s when I was 18. I have since had 2 other serious relationships which lasted about 2/3 years which at the time thought I was in love but I wasn't. Had I married either of these two men with the hopes that love will come because I would have seen qualities in them that I would have admired I would have lived in regret or divorce. Divorce not being an option for me means I would live in regret and grow to love this man because I’d never have fallen in love. I would still chase that high, that floating feeling, that tightness in your stomach and that sigh (you know the sigh I'm talking about) that I had had the first time round.

Do I think people should get married once they fall in love? Absolutely! So what happens if they fall in love within three months of their relationship? I say wait. Wait to see if this is real love or infatuation. Wait to see if you can tolerate this person’s anger, their stubbornness, sloth or their farting in bed. Long term relationships leave too much room to leave (when I say long term I'm talking about 2 years+) If you both hold the same values in life and marriage then why the delay? Chances are if you stay in a monogamous (or polygamous whatever works for ya) relationship a bit further down the line if you come across difficult times you’re going to want to leave because there is nothing tying to that person BUT if you are married, have the no-divorce policy and are committed to your marriage and to each other then you will work it out.

When people get married so soon it makes me wonder if they actually grasp what marriage entails.  That commitment is now being taken too lightly. It’s so easy to get into a marriage and to get out of it. I don’t know if the vows “for better or for worse, til death do us part” mean anything any more. Unless we are beating each other up like Ike and Tina, I ain't leaving. We said til death do us part and that’s how I intend to leave; you gonna have to kill me! I'm staying! So I need to get to know you as much as I can before I say “I do.” If we get married within five months and then I find out something in the sixth month about you that I really couldn't deal with because I was so lost in the honeymoon period; I am forced to work through that. Had we waited a while longer until the rose tinted glasses had gotten clearer and we decided that we don’t want to work through this thing; we both would have walked away and no one takes half. When the going gets tough and the tough gets going and the man I'm marrying he decides he doesn't want to be with me any more and has a divorce policy but I didn't know about this because we hadn't known each other long enough he’s going to take half. I don’t want him touching my half. Half of what I hear you say. Half of my millions of course! *cue crickets and tumble weed* What?

Men Aren't That Bad

I, like a lot of men are driven by the visual. I'm enticed by beauties with brains. I find nothing sexier than a matured frontal and parietal lobe carried by a dark skin beauty, caramel, milky way or look like he just stepped out of Green & Black's chocolate factory; I do not discriminate.





Starting from the low cut Caesar with deep waves. 
His eyes that look into your soul; undress you by watching your every move, sparking up something delicious in the pit of your stomach and at the meeting of your thighs.

The curve of his lips; that Colgate smile. 
I enjoy listening the vibrations of his deep masculine voice, deep laugh and the huskiness when he says sweet nothings or when he's telling a story.

I love the muscles on him, from his trapezius down to his biceps and triceps. The bulging veins that run down his fore arms to his metacarpals. I like something pretty to look at; not necessarily in the feminine term but in a way that I lick my lips and do a low grunt "mm!" when I watch his back shirtless while he moves around nonchalantly. 







It's also in his height, the confidence I take in wearing 5 inch heels knowing I'll still have to look up to him; metaphorically as well as literally. When he looks down at me, suddenly I feel small. I feel protected. I feel like he is King. My king.






I'm not shallow, I promise; I just like what I like.
Abercrombie and Fitch type guys, the abdominis rectus so defined, so cut and mesmerizing with his boxers hanging low enough to see the "V"; if you know you know.



From their waist down to their glutes he walks with such pride and purpose. A stance that dares to be challenged, that of a gladiator. He is a man with purpose, a goal. He is not perfect and he knows this. A man who treats his woman like his mate. He is King and she is Queen. 

I reside in the grey area

People say that relationships are hard. After being in one for three years and being newly single and on the dating scene I beg to differ. Relationships are easy. You know each other, there are no games, no questions about what's going on between the two of you. You both know exactly where you stand with each other and when one starts going off track you correct that shit. As you can probably guess, I was rusty. I didn't know the dating etiquette, it was so bad that I had to Google how to act. I have been out of the game for so long they have DMs now, KIK (what the hell is kik), InstaDM, Whatsapp, Screenshots (don't slip up because you'll get screenshot.) 
After getting over my break up I decided to start dating. I hadn't attempted to spit my mac-daddy-a-class game since my ex boyfriend and that was four years ago! First on the to do list to figure out what I was looking for out there in the big world filled with plenty of fish (no pun, ok maybe a little.) I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship, hell I'd just gotten out of one a few months ago I was not keen on jumping into the deep end of meeting the parents, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews and don't get me started on the five year plans. I wanted something stress-free. Meet someone, go out, have fun; good clean fun which to most sounded like I wanted to knock boots. No, I did not want to do the nasty, which meant to most people sounded like I wanted a relationship right? No, I wanted to date.

I understand that it was naive of me to expect a man to want to spend time with me without getting some ass.I wasn't necessarily putting the booty on lock-down, I was merely not looking for a booty call.

So here's what I was looking for: a man who could hold a good conversation, funny, witty, didn't take himself too seriously. I did not care about his future, his five year plan, his short term goals or anything else that Steve Harvey was talking about in his book. I, my friends, wanted to "kick it." I wanted the grey area which consisted of dinners, movies, theme park rides, weekends in Paris or Rome and I did not want to be his girlfriend. What do you call this? The grey area. I wanted the company without having the complications of a relationship and yes, this company might have the same job description of a boyfriend and yet that's not what I was going for. When seeking advice from friends they too assumed I wanted a relationship, no I just wanted to hang out. So that means I wanted to just have "fun?" Yes, but not fun as in sex *sigh* I give up.

No matter how much I tried to explain my requirements, my needs and what I was looking for it seemed either black or white. It was either I wanted a relationship or I didn't. In my mind I wanted the Grey Area.
I'm still seeking the Grey area but I also understand that the Grey area to most is non-existent but to me it seems like a no brainer. I'd rather have a Grey area than just have a sexual relationship with someone who I call when I want to be "held" *ahem.* Sometimes you just want to go out and have a nice dinner with someone, good conversation and just have a cuddle. Who says that all this can only be provided by a boyfriend? Let's break all the rules and make the Grey area a thing because I sure as hell am not looking forward to going to any family reunions any time soon.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater...?

I am yet to meet a reformed cheater. I have faith but I'm still waiting. Someone always falls off the wagon or at least I'm waiting to see if they'll fall off the wagon because they always do. I met a handsome brotha who was cheating on his girlfriend. Any opportunity he got he'd drop his pants. After we became close friends I started seeing that this guy really, honestly and whole heartedly loved his girlfriend. He professed his love on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Myspace (if it still existed), citing hopes of getting married and for her to bear his children. At the beginning of the year he told me he was done cheating. His New Year's resolution was to do right by her and wasn't going to cheat on her any more. You know it's serious when you have to make it a New Year's resolution to stop cheating. It took him 3 months to fall off the wagon. He honestly loved her and I believed him and when asked why he continued to cheat on her he said it was because he knew he was going to be faithful when he married her. He basically wanted to get it all out of his system. So I asked him what guarantee he had that he would marry her since he was repeatedly cheating on her...Silence.

What I found interesting however from a conversation I had with him (I love our little heart to heart moments) was that when I asked him if someone who had cheated in the past would do it again. He said if someone cheats once they'd would definitely cheated again. Why? Because once a cheater always a cheater. In order for a man to be truly faithful; he said, he needs to have very strong will power and he needs to make up his mind that he doesn't want to cheat any more. It's all up to him.

So I thought, what about women? If a woman cheats does that mean she will do it again? I don't think so, only because I believe that a woman will cheat on her man if she's looking for something that she's not getting in the relationship. If her man doesn't listen to her, encourage her, give her moral support she will find a man who is willing to give her that. It is a psychology of making up what the other one lacks. A woman can have a man who's the kindest, most generous man, funny, good job, everything is amazing on paper but if she wants someone who will throw her around the bedroom and looks like he has a baseball bat stashed in his trousers but her man looks more like MMG's bawse (Rick Ross) and is holding a chipolata under his 10 month pregnant looking belly she might be stepping out.  If she stays with said man she might cheat on him continuously until she gets what she really wants out of the relationship. Cheating could be tit for tat thing. You cheat on me, I will cheat on you. Two wrongs don't make a right but they surely make you sleep better at night!

So what happens when your boo cheats on you? Do you forgive them and try to rebuild that trust with them or do you keep it moving? I had to think long and hard about this, had a few debates too! I think it's very naive to believe someone when they grovel and swears to you that will never do it again that they won't because no one can predict their future actions. I believe in love, I love LOVE but I also believe that a snake will beg for your mercy and then bite you right after you spare it's life.
Forgiveness is something we all need to do. We need to forgive in order to move on with OUR lives, when you forgive it stops being about the other person and more about you. At the same time we do not need to go back into a cycle of infidelity because of love. Not taking someone back after they cheated does not mean you don't love them, it means you're not willing to risk your heart and feel like your world has come tumbling down again. It is protecting yourself from the betrayal, paranoia and insecurity. In the same breath I will say that taking someone back after they've cheated on you does not make you a fool in love, it means you have hope that people can become better. It is understanding that human beings make mistakes and they can come back from that. It is understanding that it was never about you (well, maybe it was but hey!) and that people change. Sometimes they don't and such is life.

But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me thrice then you're damn fool because I'm coming to get your ass!

Give me HOLLYWOOD lurve anytime baby!

I often get amazed at how different we are as human beings but at the same time how similar we are. In the last month I have come across three women who were in the EXACT same relationship situation and they did not know each other. They were in long term relationships with men they didn't love. Well, they loved them but they were not in love with them. So I asked why they were still hanging on and I got the same answer: "I don't know." The fear of the unknown often paralyses people. It is hard to leave someone you have been with for years because that is all you know and you don't know if you will get something better. You don't know if what you really desire is even real or if its attainable. 

I often look at people who get married and wonder what sort of feeling they had when they decided to get married. We all know that falling in love is a temporary feeling and the real lasting feeling comes when you have settled in love. Gravity has done its job and you are not getting those butterflies any more .. or are you? After years of being together, will you still have that clenching feeling at the pit of your stomach that you used to get when you first started dating and has he now become "that guy?" Yes, he's your boo, you've "settled" in love and you are happy but do you still have that feeling? This is what I think a lot of people struggle with. Love is like crack, you want that high feeling so you keep going back. Trying different types so that you keep having that "falling" feeling because it's like a drug. But for my friends who are comfortable in their relationships yet they yearn for more are they settled in love and are just acting like crack fiends or is there really more out there for everyone? Is love for everyone? Is long term love for everyone? 

I've met some serial daters because they cannot be in a long term relationship after the butterflies have gone. Its boring, mundane, redundant and routine because it takes work so they start looking around to see what else is there. In life you're always going to come across people that are funnier, better looking, wittier, smarter, sexier the list is endless on how many fishes are out there in the sea but are they worth letting go of what you have at home? One of my friend's situation is  that she could not forgive him for the past and yet she could not let him go. The solution is pretty simple and clear. The writing is on the wall; if you cannot forgive him for what he did in the past you're punishing both you and him and are wasting valuable time when you could be out having fun getting that "falling" feeling. That feeling is great isn't it just?

But for those who do not have past problems to deal with (well every relationship has problems but some minor than others) at what point do you realise that you're settling in your relationship and you deserve better or if you're settled and now have to put in the hard work because you're committed? Is it a thin line between the two or does it take logic instead of emotion to decide whether you should stay or if you should go?