I reside in the grey area

People say that relationships are hard. After being in one for three years and being newly single and on the dating scene I beg to differ. Relationships are easy. You know each other, there are no games, no questions about what's going on between the two of you. You both know exactly where you stand with each other and when one starts going off track you correct that shit. As you can probably guess, I was rusty. I didn't know the dating etiquette, it was so bad that I had to Google how to act. I have been out of the game for so long they have DMs now, KIK (what the hell is kik), InstaDM, Whatsapp, Screenshots (don't slip up because you'll get screenshot.) 
After getting over my break up I decided to start dating. I hadn't attempted to spit my mac-daddy-a-class game since my ex boyfriend and that was four years ago! First on the to do list to figure out what I was looking for out there in the big world filled with plenty of fish (no pun, ok maybe a little.) I knew I didn't want to be in a relationship, hell I'd just gotten out of one a few months ago I was not keen on jumping into the deep end of meeting the parents, sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews and don't get me started on the five year plans. I wanted something stress-free. Meet someone, go out, have fun; good clean fun which to most sounded like I wanted to knock boots. No, I did not want to do the nasty, which meant to most people sounded like I wanted a relationship right? No, I wanted to date.

I understand that it was naive of me to expect a man to want to spend time with me without getting some ass.I wasn't necessarily putting the booty on lock-down, I was merely not looking for a booty call.

So here's what I was looking for: a man who could hold a good conversation, funny, witty, didn't take himself too seriously. I did not care about his future, his five year plan, his short term goals or anything else that Steve Harvey was talking about in his book. I, my friends, wanted to "kick it." I wanted the grey area which consisted of dinners, movies, theme park rides, weekends in Paris or Rome and I did not want to be his girlfriend. What do you call this? The grey area. I wanted the company without having the complications of a relationship and yes, this company might have the same job description of a boyfriend and yet that's not what I was going for. When seeking advice from friends they too assumed I wanted a relationship, no I just wanted to hang out. So that means I wanted to just have "fun?" Yes, but not fun as in sex *sigh* I give up.

No matter how much I tried to explain my requirements, my needs and what I was looking for it seemed either black or white. It was either I wanted a relationship or I didn't. In my mind I wanted the Grey Area.
I'm still seeking the Grey area but I also understand that the Grey area to most is non-existent but to me it seems like a no brainer. I'd rather have a Grey area than just have a sexual relationship with someone who I call when I want to be "held" *ahem.* Sometimes you just want to go out and have a nice dinner with someone, good conversation and just have a cuddle. Who says that all this can only be provided by a boyfriend? Let's break all the rules and make the Grey area a thing because I sure as hell am not looking forward to going to any family reunions any time soon.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater...?

I am yet to meet a reformed cheater. I have faith but I'm still waiting. Someone always falls off the wagon or at least I'm waiting to see if they'll fall off the wagon because they always do. I met a handsome brotha who was cheating on his girlfriend. Any opportunity he got he'd drop his pants. After we became close friends I started seeing that this guy really, honestly and whole heartedly loved his girlfriend. He professed his love on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Myspace (if it still existed), citing hopes of getting married and for her to bear his children. At the beginning of the year he told me he was done cheating. His New Year's resolution was to do right by her and wasn't going to cheat on her any more. You know it's serious when you have to make it a New Year's resolution to stop cheating. It took him 3 months to fall off the wagon. He honestly loved her and I believed him and when asked why he continued to cheat on her he said it was because he knew he was going to be faithful when he married her. He basically wanted to get it all out of his system. So I asked him what guarantee he had that he would marry her since he was repeatedly cheating on her...Silence.

What I found interesting however from a conversation I had with him (I love our little heart to heart moments) was that when I asked him if someone who had cheated in the past would do it again. He said if someone cheats once they'd would definitely cheated again. Why? Because once a cheater always a cheater. In order for a man to be truly faithful; he said, he needs to have very strong will power and he needs to make up his mind that he doesn't want to cheat any more. It's all up to him.

So I thought, what about women? If a woman cheats does that mean she will do it again? I don't think so, only because I believe that a woman will cheat on her man if she's looking for something that she's not getting in the relationship. If her man doesn't listen to her, encourage her, give her moral support she will find a man who is willing to give her that. It is a psychology of making up what the other one lacks. A woman can have a man who's the kindest, most generous man, funny, good job, everything is amazing on paper but if she wants someone who will throw her around the bedroom and looks like he has a baseball bat stashed in his trousers but her man looks more like MMG's bawse (Rick Ross) and is holding a chipolata under his 10 month pregnant looking belly she might be stepping out.  If she stays with said man she might cheat on him continuously until she gets what she really wants out of the relationship. Cheating could be tit for tat thing. You cheat on me, I will cheat on you. Two wrongs don't make a right but they surely make you sleep better at night!

So what happens when your boo cheats on you? Do you forgive them and try to rebuild that trust with them or do you keep it moving? I had to think long and hard about this, had a few debates too! I think it's very naive to believe someone when they grovel and swears to you that will never do it again that they won't because no one can predict their future actions. I believe in love, I love LOVE but I also believe that a snake will beg for your mercy and then bite you right after you spare it's life.
Forgiveness is something we all need to do. We need to forgive in order to move on with OUR lives, when you forgive it stops being about the other person and more about you. At the same time we do not need to go back into a cycle of infidelity because of love. Not taking someone back after they cheated does not mean you don't love them, it means you're not willing to risk your heart and feel like your world has come tumbling down again. It is protecting yourself from the betrayal, paranoia and insecurity. In the same breath I will say that taking someone back after they've cheated on you does not make you a fool in love, it means you have hope that people can become better. It is understanding that human beings make mistakes and they can come back from that. It is understanding that it was never about you (well, maybe it was but hey!) and that people change. Sometimes they don't and such is life.

But fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me thrice then you're damn fool because I'm coming to get your ass!

Give me HOLLYWOOD lurve anytime baby!

I often get amazed at how different we are as human beings but at the same time how similar we are. In the last month I have come across three women who were in the EXACT same relationship situation and they did not know each other. They were in long term relationships with men they didn't love. Well, they loved them but they were not in love with them. So I asked why they were still hanging on and I got the same answer: "I don't know." The fear of the unknown often paralyses people. It is hard to leave someone you have been with for years because that is all you know and you don't know if you will get something better. You don't know if what you really desire is even real or if its attainable. 

I often look at people who get married and wonder what sort of feeling they had when they decided to get married. We all know that falling in love is a temporary feeling and the real lasting feeling comes when you have settled in love. Gravity has done its job and you are not getting those butterflies any more .. or are you? After years of being together, will you still have that clenching feeling at the pit of your stomach that you used to get when you first started dating and has he now become "that guy?" Yes, he's your boo, you've "settled" in love and you are happy but do you still have that feeling? This is what I think a lot of people struggle with. Love is like crack, you want that high feeling so you keep going back. Trying different types so that you keep having that "falling" feeling because it's like a drug. But for my friends who are comfortable in their relationships yet they yearn for more are they settled in love and are just acting like crack fiends or is there really more out there for everyone? Is love for everyone? Is long term love for everyone? 

I've met some serial daters because they cannot be in a long term relationship after the butterflies have gone. Its boring, mundane, redundant and routine because it takes work so they start looking around to see what else is there. In life you're always going to come across people that are funnier, better looking, wittier, smarter, sexier the list is endless on how many fishes are out there in the sea but are they worth letting go of what you have at home? One of my friend's situation is  that she could not forgive him for the past and yet she could not let him go. The solution is pretty simple and clear. The writing is on the wall; if you cannot forgive him for what he did in the past you're punishing both you and him and are wasting valuable time when you could be out having fun getting that "falling" feeling. That feeling is great isn't it just?

But for those who do not have past problems to deal with (well every relationship has problems but some minor than others) at what point do you realise that you're settling in your relationship and you deserve better or if you're settled and now have to put in the hard work because you're committed? Is it a thin line between the two or does it take logic instead of emotion to decide whether you should stay or if you should go?

Ho-ism is in the eye of the beholder

I recently came across an article where Lala Vasquez had been put in a uncomfortable position. She appeared on the Breakfast Club or something like that and in the show they have a segment where fans call in to ask the guest celebrity advice on a dilemma they might be having. So, this young lady called in and told Lala that she had a somewhat "loose" friend and people were beginning to call her a ho which wasn't cool because she didn't want her friend's behaviour to reflect on her; birds of a feather type thing and asked Lala how SHE handles the situation being friends with Kim Kardashian. Awkward, right? Lala defended her friend saying Kim wasn't a ho because a ho is a home wrecker and Kim wasn't a home wrecker, she was just young and single and could open her legs to whomever she wanted.

Lala defending her BFF

So I got to thinking... does Lala have a point? If you think about it, the term "ho" was invented by men to be used against us. Before you conclude that I'm trying to encourage women to open their legs to any Tom, Dick (no pun intended) and Harry, I'm just pointing out the fact that we are living in a double standard world where contrary to what Beyonce says, we really don't rule the world. If a guy sleeps with 50 girls, he's a G, hell women prefer to be with a guy that's been with plenty women because he has more experience but a guy will not go near a girl who has slept with 50 guys. See The Numbers Game.

So, what is a hoe? When I asked a few people I got different replies but the most common was someone who had little to no respect for herself, morals and slept with plenty of men. Does the number of people you've slept with determine whether you're a ho or not too? How about if you happen to be gullible and fall for every sweet guy who tells you they don't know where you've been all their life because as much as they are dumb men are very smart and are able to sniff out desperation out of a woman.

Scenario 1: If a virgin was in the club dancing like she was having sex and somewhere in there the guy slipped his hand into her panties and started playing. See figure 1. Is she a ho? She has never slept with anyone but she's allowing this guy who she doesn't even know his name to go all up in her in a club with a hundred people around.

Scenario 2: Girl sleeps with guy on the first date
Is this ho-ish? I know a few couples who had sex on the first date and are still together years down the line. This is cool, good for them but my question remains what if you do that with every man you go on a date with but doesn't end up being your boyfriend. How many men do you have to go through on the first date until it becomes official? Women often say it's not all the time that they'd sleep with someone on the first date but sometimes it just feels right and the fire will be burning. Alright.

Scenario 3: Girl has many "serious" short term relationships because many guys have led her to believe that they wanted a serious relationship out of her and turns they only wanted one thing. Hopeless romantic who is just naive, is she a hoe?

Scenario 4: Girl meets guy, she likes him, she sleeps with him. Why not?
She's grown, he's grown (maybe) and double standards were invented by men. A woman should have the right to her sexuality just as much as a man does.

Scenario 5: Girl meets a married guy becomes his mistress
According to Lala, this is her definition of a hoe; a home wrecker. Someone who intentionally has an affair with a man who she knows is attached to someone. What if he lied to her and said he wasn't in a relationship or married and then later down the line she found out but she was in too deep and couldn't let go because technically he had been her man. Whether there was another woman on the side or not, for months that's all she knew and she thought she was the only one. Can we call her a ho then?

I'm torn, for years I had my own definition of what I considered a ho to be and I was set but after talking to people and seeing things, doing things I have started questioning what I actually consider a ho and I don't know. I have concluded that a ho is man-made word for men to explore their sexuality and keep women under their control. Even though we can now vote, work, some careers have even gotten rid of the glass ceiling we are still living in a man's world and we as women have that mentality that if a girl does this or that she's a ho. But like I said it's all depending on the individuals and it is in the eye of the beholder.

Happy Humping to those who hump!!!

Another Cougar Post (by guest blogger)

I know some of you must be thinking that I'm now obsessed with cougar/cub relationships. I'm not. A guest blogger, who asked to remain anonymous sent me this post. I was in hysterics and I was happy that I wasn't the only one that felt sceptical about dating a younger man. This post was based on real events which explains why the blogger asked to remain private and I was present when this all happened, we were all young and in college hence the curfew. Did I just spoil it? She should have known better! Enjoy!

(Cougar, Cougar, Cougar)

So I got to thinking, ‘why do women become cougars?’ I mean this type of situation presents quite a few problems without even trying. For instance the lies that come up are quite laughable I must say. Can you imagine relaxing with friends and having a few drinks as people do, then as you get comfortable and the time gets later you begin to sense some kind of discomfort from your partner. He gets up, keeps glancing at his watch and tries to make an excuse because he now has to leave. Now because of embarrassment he’s not going to fully come out and say he has a curfew. Excuses like, ‘I have to go shopping for my mother tomorrow morning so I have to sleep early.’ Or my all-time favourite, ‘I have to get home early because my mother hates locking up without me. WHAT!!! C’mon, are you kidding me? I understand that at this time we were all young, we all had curfew (somewhat) and had to be home at a certain time but it was 7 o'clock and he didn't live that far from me which means his curfew must have been either 7.30 or 8.

So, there you are standing in front of your friends who so desperately want to laugh, as he leaves your house.  OMG I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. However, this young boy was sweet because the next time he went out bowling he bought me earrings. It was cute. They were these small "gold and diamond" studs that were in a small blue box. They looked a bit cheap but hey, it was the thought that counts right? How do you live down a situation where he buys you jewellery for £4.99 from Argos as a means to court you. Ok I’m not going to be mean. After all that’s probably as far as he could stretch his EMA money. I guess if you aren’t looking for a serious relationship all this can be avoided and you can have your fling during the day under wraps and no one has to know.

The plus side of dating a younger man is that they make you feel equally as young as they are. The idea of being older gives you a false sense of experience and power. And as an added bonus, they are much more adventurous compared to guys your own age, maybe because there is a need to constantly please in an effort to prove their man hood and ability to satisfy an older woman.

But be warned, the good things are few and far between. Make sure you don’t get caught in a situation where he brings his own bottled drink into a restaurant you are supposedly having dinner, all because he budgeted on a quarter chicken and chips with no bottomless drink. LOL. Please don’t let me put you off, just always make sure you have a little extra so you can get a bottomless drink, assuming that option is there. Then he’ll know to wait for you  to finish drinking so he can have one too.