Let’s get real, at the beginning of a relationship we are so blinded by infatuation that any habits that would normally drive us nuts are cute and the fact that they are not compatible to you is unrecognisable because we have that thrill of someone new. Its only a bit further down the line that you start to see clearly and most of the time you’re in too deep to just call it quits. Either because you’re scared you are not going to find something better or you want to avoid the heart ache. We also convince ourselves that no one is perfect and that we might be picky.
I have a girlfriend who had been with her partner for a year and in that whole year he never surprised her with anything. No flowers, chocolates, little gifts or what-not but he always did what she asked him. He was a good man; caring and loving but everything about their relationship was monotone; there was no excitement, no dates unless she nagged about it. As a grown woman she exercised communication and discussed with him her concerns. Nothing changed because he was content with their relationship he didn’t feel the need to add any excitement to their relationship so she just accepted it as one of his flaws because no one is perfect, right or was she settling?
"Everybody settles to some degree," says John W. Jacobs, M.D., a New York City-based psychiatrist and author of All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage (HarperCollins, 2005). "But when we talk about really settling, we're talking about someone who has settled and agreed to be in a relationship where there is something really big that bothers them. They have decided that it is in their interest to live with that situation."
Below I have come up with 5 signs to show that you might not be overreacting and the grass might indeed be greener on the other side. As usual I’m going to be brief and not write the extremes such as ‘if he’s using you as a punching bag but you still stay because you love him and he loves you’ because those are pretty straight forward. Get out of there!
1. You are not bothered about what he does or doesn't do
Many people out there are in relationships because they are scared of being alone, that's why they end up settling. Being with someone means being interested in their well being and their life. You want to know if they are safe, fed and achieving their life goals. If you find yourself not being bothered about their present or future, you might be settling because you just want someone to be there with you.
2. You don’t have the same interests in anything
My boyfriend likes all these vampire movies, I like comedies. I like reading, he'd much rather be playing COD Black Ops. Apart from these we more or less speak the same language when it comes to our interests. When you find yourself in a relationship where you do not have the same interests whatsoever, there might be trouble ahead. You can't go anywhere with him because he doesn't like what you like and vice versa. The only thing you have in common is each other. Everything that you do is based on compromisation even when it comes to watching tv or going out for a meal because of your different lifstyles. They are not a bad person and neither are you, they are just not the right person for you so stop settling.
3. You are not attracted to him
Attraction goes beyond physical, for a relationship to work you have to be attracted to everything about them i.e their physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. Take physical for an example, if you are not physically attracted to your partner, there is a very high chance that you are going to start looking elsewhere for that physical attraction. Same goes for mental, spiritual and emotional attraction. That connection needs to be there because if you are lacking in either one of these you will look elsewhere for it because they are the key to a lasting relationship. You need someone who is on the same page as you, same beliefs (an atheist cannot marry a religious person and live together forever and ever unless one of them converts) and same goes for emotional attraction (an animal rights activists can never have a long lasting relationship with a fur lover or breeder for dogs that do dog fighting.)
4. You know he cheats on you but allow him because all men are the same
Unfortunately, this woman exists. She has been hurt and cheated on so many times that she thinks its the norm. I am no expert and I am no man but something doesn't sit right with me when I think of accepting my partner's infedelity because the next guy might do the same thing to me. Anyone that is willing to be disloyal and share your bed with someone else does not deserve you. A good spouse will be faithful. Don't settle for that mess, you deserve better.
5. You know he’s not the right one for you
If you are in a relationship where you purposely know that your partner is the right one for you, there is no redder flag. Knowing that you're settling is just going to cause frustration and depression down the line. I know people that have gotten married to people they did not like but did it because they wanted kids or marriage. Some years or months later you are going to find yourself constantly wishing for someone else or that your significant other would change to be what you want.
It's worse to settle for something that you do not want than to have nothing at all.
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